Dennis’s Diary of Destruction

Dennis must have seen my earlier post lamenting my lack of things to write about, because he had a field day destroying things today, including:

  • Several small pumpkins. Halloween is over, dammit! Make pies or throw them away!
  • Another pair of my wife’s slippers. She says, “Yes, I left them out, but they were dirty and they smelled and I didn’t like them anyway.” But of course we can’t throw them away — we have to let the dog turn them into pink confetti. (We also can’t throw away leftovers until they start to develop their own civilizations.)
  • Another orchid. Paging Nero Wolfe.
  • The wooden handles of the skewers in our fondue set. Because fondue is just SO 70s.
  • The cord going to the fish tank heater, because Dennis likes to see fish shiver.

By the way, that door to the left in the picture is the door to Dennis’s plastic crate. My wife has been coaxing him into it with treats and has even climbed in there herself to get him to go in. He’s taken to sleeping in it with the door open. One of these days, he’ll wake up and the door will be closed. Heh heh heh.

00001

 

“I didn’t do it.”

you’re both losers

Tucker, i don’t sleep in bed because my fur is too thick and i would be hot. besides, beds are for HUMANS. you’re not a human, are you? (don’t try to deny you’re a dog. i’ve seen you eating poop.) you’d better stop trying to teach Dennis bad manners or i’ll roll you on your back and pin you for an hour or two. not that you would learn anything from it, but it would be fun.
signed,

Trixie

i’m being defamed by a hillbilly

hello readers, this is Tucker the “other” vizsla. don’t be fooled by anything Dennis might tell you. he’s just some weird foster dog from the sticks. he can’t even spell or use punctuation. i’ve been trying to annoy him by licking him incessantly in hopes he’ll go away but he seems to like it. what a freak. anyway i am not spoiled, i deserve everything i ask for.

Trixie is just jealous because i sleep in bed and she sleeps on the floor. don’t listen to her either.

whuts my brudders problem?

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog again i wuz wundering abowt my brudder Tucker the other vizsla dog hes always wining and carrying on like wen mama is getting owr brekfast reddy he wines and paces and wont be kwiet until dada throws him owt of the office he duz this evry day even thow evry day he gets thrown owt so i wuz wundering whuts rong with him i think he mite be crazy and posibly danjerus but my sister Trixie the chowchow mix sez no hes just spoild rotten is she rite?

My Blog Is Ruined

So it’s been like three days and Dennis hasn’t destroyed anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Well, he tore up one issue of Newsweek, but it was the “1968” issue so what can you expect? Dennis doesn’t like hippies and 1968 was crawling with them. Or so I’m told. I wasn’t actually around then. (My brother was, though. He’s older than me. Tee-hee.)

Anyway, what else can I write about if Dennis isn’t wrecking stuff? Maybe I can write about my cats throwing up or something … not that a cat throwing up is particularly noteworthy. A cat not throwing up, now that would be something to write about.

Maybe I can find out where my wife keeps the passion flower and secretly replace it with Red Bull … then there would be lots of wrecked stuff to write about, I bet! The house … the yard … the cats … our marriage …