My Wife Went To A Party And All I Got Were These Lousy Instructions

So you know how when you go away for a few days, if you’re lucky enough to have someone come in and take care of your animals while you’re gone, you might leave them some instructions about what and how much to feed them, what pills to give them, etc.?  Well, my wife is attending a birthday party this evening for a coworker, and evidently our dogs get such customized cuisine that I need instructions for feeding them.

Who gets which pill and when, who gets half a can, who gets a whole can … it’s not just dumping kibble into a bowl anymore!  And these are the simplified instructions.  When my wife does the feeding, she also adds something called “Sparkle” (I think that’s what it’s called) that’s a mixture of herbs and whatnot that, if you were caught with it in a baggie in your car, would probably get you searched.  Then there’s the raw local honey, to help keep Trixie’s allergies down.  There’s some sort of probiotic, I think, that’s like a white powder.  (More stuff you don’t want to get caught with …)  Coconut oil for the coat, or maybe it’s salmon oil for the coat.  Or is it fish oil capsules?  Or caviar?  A dash of this, a pinch of that, some of those, three of these, a spoonful of this other stuff … to be honest, I don’t know what all she feeds them.  All I do know is that Tucker would be just as happy eating out of the garbage.

Me?  Tonight I had pizza and take-out barbecue with our friends.  No Sparkle added.

6 thoughts on “My Wife Went To A Party And All I Got Were These Lousy Instructions

  1. there’s sweet potato in them thar cans! we recognize the wellness chow! and i’ve seen sparkle,too. before each meal, do you have to throw a dash of pulverized kibble over your left shoulder light a stick of beef scented incense?

    Jim says: I’m pretty sure that’s part of the ritual too!


  2. Ha! I do the same for Loki and Jason!

    It started off as a little post-it note saying, “Don’t use the microwave to defrost the chicken!”


    “Make sure you mix in 2 spoonfuls of Blue Buffalo (which is in the fridge! don’t open a new can!) with 4 scoops of Solid Gold for breakfast. For dinner, take the chicken in the fridge and put a new package in. Make sure Loki gets 2 capsules of fish oil before he goes to sleep. Make sure he gets fed in his crate with the door open and don’t let him take his food out! Put kitty in the other room. Thank ya baby!”

    Your instructions look much much worse than the ones I leave for Jason though. I’m sure he’d kill me if I ever left that many instructions though.


  3. Sparkle? I don’t think I get any Sparkle. I do get something called “left overs” but those usually taste really good. I think I’m getting shortchanged. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.

    I’m looking up the number for my union rep right now. Wait a minute ….. what’s the name of my union again?


    Dennis says: yoo ar a member of the american field and lap dog union or afldu for short also before the gofer broke lawnched i got a visit from some verry nice and perswasive gentlemen and so yoo and the rest of my kroo are also teamsters ok bye


  4. The white powder is probably “pig powder.” I would like to borrow some “sparkle” though. I could use some sparkle on a Monday.


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