a skolarly treetis on nasty weeds

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog well today wuz suppozd to be the last instalment of my kwest for the lost kong but dada has been a slacker abowt organizing the notes and pikchers from my final ekspedishun so insted i will present a new skolarly treetis

as yoo probly no i am an akkomplishd botinist and sinse my erlier skolarly treetis on flying toyz wuz so well reseevd i hav ben busily wurking on a diskushun of varius nasty weeds this is not a diskushun of all the weeds that can be fownd in california becuz that wood tayk far too many pajes insted it is just sum of the weedz that can be fownd in and arownd my yard these weeds will be rated on a scale of wun to ten in sevral diffrent categorees including the following

  • pokiness – how pointy the weed is
  • stickiness – how hard it is to get the weed owt of yore fur
  • itchiness – how much of a rash the weed givs yoo
  • prickliness – how thorny or scratchy the weed is
  • owchiness – how much the weed hurts if yoo tuch it

owr first weed is the infamus foxtail this is a seed that wen it dries becums verry hard and spiny it brakes into many small pieces all of wich hav a sharp pointed end and littel barbs so that it can only go in wun direkshun wen it gets stuck in yore fur foxtails are not too bad for me and tucker and trouble but wen they get in trixies fur they are verry hard to remoov evenchually foxtails can penetrate the skin eyes or eerz resulting in an owchiness of 10 but if they are remoovd before then they are not so owchie

the foxtail
pokiness 10
stickiness 8
itchiness 3
prickliness 4
owchiness 1 – 10

owr next weed is the creeping grownd cuvr thingie i dont no its reel naym yoo may luk at this weed and think oh it is just a nice littel green plant with luvly samon colord flowrs well ha!!!!! dont think that becuz this plant makes tiny littel burrs that are kwite prickly and get stuck in yore fur and dont want to come owt wunse agn this is a big problum for trixie but for us vizslas not so much heer is a pikcher of sum of the burrs with fur still attachd

horrifying isnt it forchunatly that is just stuffie fur not doggie fur but stil i dont think it wuz a plezant experiense for the stuffie

the creeping grownd cuvr thingie
pokiness 4
stickiness 10
itchiness 5
prickliness 6
owchiness 2

mooving on, owr next weed is the warty prikly lettuse weed i dont no this weeds reel name eether however it is yoo … yoobiq … it is all over the playse it is coverd in billyuns and billyuns of tiny prickly needles this weed is a problem for trixie becuz it stiks to her fur like the majical substanse nown to sum as velcro and it is a problem for the rest of us becuz it is verry owchy to tuch also this weed is nown to giv dada a rash if he tuches it

the warty prickly lettuse
pokiness 2
stickiness 6
itchiness 9
prickliness 7
owchiness 7

next up is the sawtooth lettuse as yoo can see i dont no the proper name of this weed eether this weed has sharp edges and poky points but its bark is wurse than its bite ha ha it is not so gud at sticking in ennywuns fur and dusnt cawze much of a skin reeakshun if yoo tuch it

the sawtooth lettuse
pokiness 5
stickiness 1
itchiness 1
prickliness 6
owchiness 4

next up is the tomato wich has a prickly stem and long carniverus vines the tomato plant is a vampiric weed that prodooses larje red balloons full of the blud of its viktims this horrible plant is nown to periodikly go mad and rampaje across the land slautering all hoo stand in there way as described in this dokyoomentry — wot???? oh hang on mama sez theeze are just a vejetable and that dokyoomentry is just a silly moovee ok nevr mind

(i still think the tomatoes are coming to get me!!!!!!)

owr next weed is the mity thissel this is the owchiest weed of all just wun tuch will sting for like five yeerz or at leest a fyoo minnits ennyway i hav watched dada pull theez and even his gluvs do not seem to protekt him from them so yoo can imajin that fur is not much yoose aginst them eether

the thissel
pokiness 8
stickiness 3
itchiness 4
prickliness 10
owchiness 10

finally we have the cactus their are menny varieteez of cactus this is just wun kind for sum reezon dada insists on pretending that cactus are ornamentul and he likes to plant them in the rok areea in frunt of the howse however yoo and i no they are just big poky weedz i dont no why he duznt understand that but at leest he duznt plant them in the bakyard ware i like to run

the cactus
pokiness 10
stickiness 1
itchiness 1
prickliness 6 – 10
owchiness 4 – 8

well their yoo hav it a skolary diskushun of sum of the weeds that can be fownd in my yard i hope this has been as enlitening for yoo as it has been for me and remember watch owt for the killer tomatoes ok bye

12 thoughts on “a skolarly treetis on nasty weeds

  1. I’m proud of you Dennis. That was very scholarly indeed. I just ate a tomato at lunch. Do you think I’ll be okay?


  2. A brilliant treatise, Dennis! I especially like your original and useful categorizing of the weeds’ traits. If I were your botiny teachur I wud deffanitly giv yu an A PLUSS!!! (uh o wut happind to my speling)


  3. dennis,
    i found this “diskushun” very helpful and have printed out a copy for pickles. she is being very shy in the backyard and not venturing out. now that she has a key to identify the scary things, all she has to do is get used to cody bear’s running and she will be ready to set forth.

    once again, your research has been very helpful.


  4. Deer Dennis,

    Up here in Kanada weze got thissels that is tall as my daddy! And deys made of SKOTCH! (I done no if dats butter-skotch or not cuz they hert to much to get nere dem!)

    We don’t gots nun o dose cactus things tho…they look reel meen!


  5. Hm, as far as I’ve noticed, my vizsla only categorizes weeds into “to pee on” or “not to pee on” categories. Perhaps I’ll give him this guide so he knows there is more to life than lifting one’s leg. 😉


  6. Once again your technical skills astound me!

    We have just a few of those here in Michigan but mom & dad do their best to keep them out of our yard.


  7. Dennis,

    I think the foxtail is the most ouchiest of all the weeds. When I was a little girl, I used to get them caught in my socks, and I couldn’t get them out.

    Also, the tomato has emerged as a poisonous weed, not to be eaten if grown in Mexico or Florida. Remember that. ok bye


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