When word came in to the department about the Giant Kong of the Gods, they sent me, Dennis the Vizsla, their most fearless archaeologist, to retrieve it. But I was too late; the Giant Kong was gone, stolen by the evil Garbage Men. I don’t know where they took it. All I know is that I have to get it back.
Questioning the locals, a picture soon emerges of what has happened. The evil Garbage Men have taken the Giant Kong down to a nearby cove and left it as an offering for their fishy sea god, the Kraken. Sadly, I arrive too late to deny this scaly deity his prize.
Disheartened by my failure and knowing that I can never hope to retrieve the Kong of the Gods from this monstrosity, I depart from this forsaken beach; but on my way back to the village, I encounter a strange and mysterious creature lurking on the edge of a noisome fen.
Being a master of many languages, I am able to understand that he is directing me to a city along the coast where the great Temple of the Giant Kong stands. The citizens of this town worship the Giant Kong and have annual feasts in which they fill it with cookies and biscuits and little bits of kibble, then roll it through the streets so that it disgorges its contents for the happy children. He tells me that one cannot find this city unless one already knows the way, as the paths are hidden and ever-shifting; he agrees to act as my guide, in exchange for a small amount of kibble when we find what we seek.
After traveling for many days through the trackless swamp, during which I several times fear that Caliban, my so-called guide, plans to rob me and leave me for dead, the ground firms up beneath our feet; and, cresting a ridge, I see the vast white metropolis that Caliban described. And there, as promised, is the Temple of the Giant Kong.
Caliban leads me to the door of the temple but says he cannot enter, for long ago he was cursed and banished from this place for stealing a salmon cookie from the sacred jar; and so I enter, alone, through a small side door, into the vast, dark space within. I find the pedestal where the Giant Kong used to stand, before it was stolen. Why did Caliban bring me to this empty place? What is here that he wanted me to see?
Suddenly a shape emerges from behind the pedestal. I hear a faint hissing of snakes, and avert my eyes just in time.
I try to flee, but find that I am surrounded by the statues of petrified explorers. I am soon lost in a maze of stone that was once flesh. I hear following footsteps, the faint hiss of a dozen tiny snakes. At last I find my way back to the hidden entrance, and escape just ahead of the fearsome Medusa, only to find Caliban gone, and two monstrous beasts in his place.
Fortunately my months of crazed running around the back yard pays off, and I quickly outdistance the giant scorpions. But in my haste to escape, I lose my way, and find myself in a featureless wasteland somewhere outside the city, with no supplies, no food, no water, and no idea where to go next. But then, a mechanical voice draws my attention.
The clockwork owl informs me that I may find the Kraken just over the next rise. I follow the robot’s directions, and find myself face to face with the hideous beast of legend. Gathering all my courage, I confront the beast and demand that it return what was stolen from the great temple. The monster rears back and, in a nightmare voice, its breath laced with the smell of dead fish and decay, it says:
When I point out that its head is most clearly not nailed to the floor, the creature becomes defensive and refuses to give me any information. Clearly, though, I face a new foe, one even more fearsome than the Kraken.
I must go in search of … the Piranha brothers.