a skolarly treetis on things wot need to get barkd at

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog hay laytly i hav ben heering roomers floting arownd that vizsla dogs such as myself and my brother tucker the other vizsla dog (hoo is also a vizsla just like me only smaller and older and spoilder ha ha) ither dont bark at all or bark at in … inaprop … at times wen we dont need to wel let me ashoor yoo that nuthing cud be further from the trooth and to demonstrayt this i present to yoo a skolarly treetis on things wot need to get barkd at

first we hav the sun now sum peepel ar undr the mistayken impreshun that the sun is a star and is millyuns of miles away howevr nuthing cud be further frum the trooth in fakt the sun is only abowt a hundred feet abuv the grownd and sinse it is very hot if it wer to come down too low it wood set evrything on fire theirfor it is important to bark at it in order to scare it off and keep it up in the sky this is also why roosters crow in the morning but they ar not neerly scarry enuf to do the job themselvs and that is why they need owr help (see also “the moon” below)

nekst we hav the crows it is important that we bark at the crows in order to keep them from swarming arownd the howse and eeting all the food and pecking at the hyoomans heer yoo can see wot happens wen a howse duz not hav a dog present to scayr the crows away the unforchoonat souls hoo livd heer wer most likely carreed off by the crows never to be seen agin

nekst we hav burglers burglers ar evryware just wayting for a chanse to brake into yore howse and mayk off with important and ekspensiv things like kongs and stuffies and nylabones so it is important to run owt in the bakyard at random times and just bark yore hed off to scare away enny burglers that mite by hiding in the tall grass wundring if the dog is stil home or not

this is a helicoptr yoo hav probly seen theez things flying arownd overhed they ar like beez in that they serv an important pollinayshun funkshun howevr if yoo do not go owt and bark at them they mite land in yore yard and as yoo can see they tayk up far too much room wen this happens plus they ar verry noisy and there spinning rotors hav a tendensy to turn yore flying toyz into confetti and then mama and dada hav to buy noo wuns wich isnt nesessarily bad unless they ar lazy and dont get arownd to it for a long time so bettr sayf then sorry

this is a naybor now i no yoo ar probly thinking why shud we bark at him he luks so kind and dispenses gud advice wel lets just tayk a luk and see wot he is hiding on the other side of that fense shall we????

aha!!!!! not so kind now is he???? but a littel barking wil skayr him rite off

and heer we hav the skunk that purvayor of fine perfyooms wun barks at the skunk not to skayr him off but to let him no that yoo ar intrested in trying a sampel of his fragranses their is nuthing more than a treetment from the skunks spritzer unforchoonatly mama and dada hav a tendensy to giv wun a bath after wun induljes in a skunk fayshul but this is becuz they ar so declasse

this is the moon now just like the sun the moon is only a few hundred feet in the air but unlike the sun the moon is verry verry cold so wun has to bark at it to friten it off so it wont come down and freez evrything now this wood not affekt my sister trixie verry much becuz she has a thick thick coat but me and tucker wood be verry chilly if this wer to happn yoo may be undr the impreshun that winter occurs becuz the erth tips away from the sun but this is incorrect winter akchoolly occurs wen the moon starts to get brayv and comes down lower to the grownd and sinse their ar more dogs as yoo get closer to the ekwaytor thats why it duz not get as cold down heer

another reezon to bark randomly at nite is to scayr off the vampires that gather owtside the howse in the dark just wayting for a chanse to pownse if yoo do not bark adekwatly at random times then the vampires get braver and then yoo ar at verry hi risk of beeing turned into wun the nekst time yoo go owtside just like this:

sorry tucker i gess yoo didnt bark enuf last nite but dont ekspekt me to invite yoo in i am way too smart for that oh wait yoo say hav sum cookeez????  ok let me open the door for yoo ha ha psych!!!!!

wel i hope this has been elitening and has kleerd up wotever miskonsepshuns yoo may hav had abowt barking and wot it is gud for so the nekst time yoo think yore dog is barking at nuthing remember it is just trying to sayv the wurld ok bye