Hello, good readers. This is Tucker the Vizsla. Recently I have been implicated in the destruction of a pillow based on evidence that is at best circumstantial and at worst, fabricated. Unlike my so-called brother, Dennis, who blames his misfortunes on vast conspiracies and absurd enemies, I intend to clear my name by investigation and deduction because, as Mama always says, I am the smart one. Come, Trixie! The game’s afoot!
The first thing we must look at in any investigation is the crime scene. Let’s review:
Note how clean and precise the wound is. Clearly, this pillow was taken out by a single shot to the corner. There is very little stuffing scattered about, as one would expect if this were, as suggested earlier, a revenge killing. No, this was a professional execution; someone had a job to do, and did it, and escaped.
Next, we must ask who benefits from this murder. Obviously not me, as I have fallen under a cloud of suspicion, and plus now there is one less pillow for me to sleep on. No, the obvious beneficiary here is my housemate and so-called “brother” Dennis. Why, some are now questioning if he is even responsible for all the other destruction in the house (cf. the chaise lounge incident, the exploding bedding incident, the Thanksgiving incident, the Orphan Orange incident, etc.)
Now, Dennis was in his crate at the time of the pillow’s assassination, so he could not have done the deed himself. However, Dennis is a known felon who has done hard time in the bowels of the Albuquerque penal system. Is it unreasonable to believe that he may have made contacts in prison who are capable of committing the perfect pillow crime? Let’s take a look at the surveillance footage of the backyard from the day of the murder:
As you can see, the cameras have picked up something anomalous high up on the hill, under cover of the trees. Using our state of the art imaging software, let’s zoom in on that area:
And what have we here? It’s none other than Dennis’s cellmate from his imprisonment in Albuquerque, armed with a rifle and bayonet, no less! No doubt Dennis arranged for his jailhouse friend’s transportation from New Mexico to California, and paid him to shoot the pillow through the window, pinning the blame on me!
So now we see how the system has once again failed to rehabilitate a hardened criminal. Obviously, the answer is more prison time for Dennis. And I will be happy to look after his AKC fox toy while he’s back in solitary confinement.
Elementary, my dear Trixie. Elementary.