Hello good readers, this is Tucker the Vizsla. Recently, scurrilous notes have appeared, anonymously of course, suggesting that I stole Dennis’s breakfast. But does this claim really hold up under scrutiny? Let’s examine the facts. Come, Trixie! The game’s afoot!
Let us begin our investigation with the parties involved. First, a candid photograph of myself:
As you can see, I am a tired, sleepy, adorable, angelic-looking old vizsla — hardly the sort of dog that one would expect to find stealing breakfast from other dogs. Now, let’s take a look at the so-called victim:
Not only is Dennis clearly wearing the clothing of a criminal, but as you can see, he is heavily armed with a switchblade knife, nunchaku, and a crowbar. He is also in possession of a pirate’s treasure map. Clearly only a criminal of the basest order would be carrying such contraband.
The alleged victim is a noted athlete:
In addition to giving flyball demonstrations, he can often be found racing around the backyard like a lunatic, carrying great weights in his mouth.
Again, I am just a sad and lonely old vizsla who spends every available moment on Mommy’s lap. I ask you, is this the face of a remorseless thief?
Even the casual observer will notice that the supposed victim is bigger than me. If I were stealing his food, how would that be possible? Surely he is getting enough to eat; but am I? And where is my collar? Dennis is wearing a collar, but mine is missing. Suggestive, isn’t it?
Next, let’s examine the breakfast that was supposedly stolen:
Mmm, frozen Lego blocks! I ask you, would you steal this? I mean, really, where is the motive?
Of course, one must also look at the scene of the alleged crime:
As you can see, I am waiting patiently and calmly for my breakfast, while carrying on a discussion of current events with Mommy. If anyone is over-eager here, it is Dennis, the purported victim. Just look at that tail! Youngsters these days have no sense of dignity.
Now, for the final bit of proof, I present to you this picture, which clearly shows Dennis eating breakfast!!!
If I were really some sort of criminal breakfast-stealing mastermind, wouldn’t I be the one enjoying a yummy breakfast from that bowl that Mommy is holding? But no, this is clearly a picture of Dennis; I am nowhere to be seen. From this, we can safely conclude that, in fact, Dennis has stolen my breakfast, not the other way around!
The Case of the Purloined Breakfast is closed.
Elementary, my dear Trixie. Elementary.