Hello, good readers. This is Tucker the Vizsla. Recently some strange and disturbing digital pictures have surfaced here, published by my so-called “brother” Dennis the Other Vizsla, along with scurrilous commentary and wildly unfounded accusations. Do Dennis’s charges stand up to scrutiny, or are they just more of his usual crazed ramblings? Let’s investigate. Come, Trixie — the game’s afoot!
Let us start with the most recent picture and work our way backwards. This purports to show Daddy in the crowd at some sort of hedgehog sporting event. However, a cursory examination of this so-called photograph reveals that the hedgehog “crowd” is actually the same two or three hedgehogs repeated multiple times. Unless hedgehogs have gained access to cloning technology, this is unlikely. Furthermore, Spiny Norman is clearly visible in the background, but as everyone knows, Spiny Norman was permanently banned from the hedgehog sporting scene after it was revealed that he was involved in the Piranha Brothers’ notorious game-rigging scheme. Yet another factor arguing against this picture’s legitimacy is the complete absence of the mealworm vendors who are typically found roaming the stands at such events. And, finally, it is common knowledge that Daddy would not be caught dead at any sort of sporting event, unless “Dungeons and Dragons” or “Magic: The Gathering” tournaments are considered sports.
Let’s move on. This next picture is alleged to show Daddy enjoying a late-night coffee with his hedgehog friend. However, it is widely known that Daddy is always in bed by 9:30pm. Also, health department regulations prohibit diners such as this from serving food or beverages to hedgehogs. And, last but not least, most of this picture is in fact ……. a painting.
This last picture presents the most serious investigative challenge, but let us look at it very closely. While the happy figure in the foreground does indeed resemble Daddy before he has had his coffee, if we look at the light coming through the kitchen window, we can see that the photograph was actually taken in the afternoon. If it were afternoon and Daddy still hadn’t had his coffee, he would not look like this cheerful fellow; he would, in fact, be passed out on what’s left of the sofa.
Further investigation reveals that this is in fact a picture of the notorious criminal Gollum, who was last seen skulking around the volcanic regions of Mordor. And who else around here is a criminal?
That’s right, it’s Dennis — the very same Dennis who has been promoting these pictures in the first place! Clearly this entire thing is some scheme that Dennis has orchestrated; a bizarre plea for attention, perhaps, or an attempt to somehow get more lap time from Mommy. But he did not count on my deductive powers. Shame on you, Dennis!
Elementary, my dear Trixie. Elementary.