Last week, my colleague Sophie solved the puzzle of the Rubik’s Cube in an ingenious fashion; this led us to a secret hatch in the back room of a Parisian McDonald’s. As we descend into the darkness beneath the fast food restaurant, one can only wonder what we will find below …
The ladder beneath the secret trapdoor seems to go down forever, a descent that is complicated by the utter darkness and my lack of opposable thumbs. Fortunately, we reach the bottom safely, and then spend some minutes fumbling for a light switch. When Sophie finally finds one, a mysterious sight is revealed:
That voice … it is my old friend Professor Teabing! The last time I saw him he was being carted off by the Paris police after falling into the Seine while battling the Missing Link Balrog. Our initial happiness at being reunited with the Professor soon dies away, as we realize that his horrific experiences have changed him in a profound and deeply disturbing way.
Professor Teabing, or Gandalf McDonald if you will, takes us along miles of tunnels before reaching the heart of the fantastic scientific installation secretly buried beneath the network of McDonald’s that dots the French countryside. Here, he reveals the secret of the dogs playing poker.
Stunning as it may be, this development does not explain why they would spend billions and billions of dollars developing this technology. But Professor Gandalf Teabing McDonald the Yellow and Red has an answer for that as well.
Having revealed to us his plot for worldwide fast food domination, our former ally escorts us to the deepest dungeon underneath Paris and locks us in. He will release us, he says, once his plan has been executed and all the Burger Kings on the planet have been destroyed. However, he did not reckon with my own high-technology equipment: My giant cellular phone.
Over my time in academia, I have accumulated any number of professional contacts, including my friend Laura the physicist. I know that she will have the expertise to analyze Teabing’s plot and tell us if it is likely to succeed.
While it is a relief to know that there is no actual risk that all the Burger Kings in the world will be destroyed by the scheming of this rogue clown wizard, Sophie and I still need to find a way to escape from this dungeon. When his plan fails, Professor Gandalf Teabing McDonald the Yellow and Red may seek revenge on us in his frustration; if he is captured, then we may be forgotten and left down here forever. But I am sure that we will find a way out — because I am Dennis the Vizsla, and I never give up.