As you may recall, on Sunday we had about a two-hour daylight visit from a skunk that was mostly just lying there like a lump, but that occasionally stirred itself to stumble around a bit. By the time we got someone to come out to collect it — or more accurately, to explain that he was not under contract to collect it — it had disappeared. Monday we had torrential rain and howling wind all day, and the skunk did not put in a reappearance. Yesterday it turned up again. To quote Monty Python, “I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it — it’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it.”
Okay, so, the skunk is dead. Surely now someone will be interested in testing it to see if it was rabid. Let’s see, who are we gonna call? The police? No, they can’t do anything with it. Animal control? Ha ha ha ha! Ghostbusters? I wish. Oh, look, San Diego county has a “Vector Control” department! Do they deal with linear algebra? No, they deal with rats, mosquitoes, mice, and other disease carriers. Let’s call them! They must handle this sort of thing, right?
Wrong. They gave me a bunch of other phone numbers to call, including the people who wouldn’t come out on Sunday when the skunk was staggering around the hill and the wildlife services that never called me back. But they also gave me the number for the local branch of the state Fish & Wildlife department dead animal removal service. Perfect! They’ll handle this sort of thing, right?
Wrong. The dead animal removal service is a voice mail box that’s apparently unconnected to any human being. Hey, voice mail, can you come and collect a creepy dead skunk? No? Why not? Oh, you don’t have arms and legs? Okay then.
I finally reached a human being at a private wildlife removal service (called, appropriately enough, Wildlife Removal Services), who was in the area and could come to collect the skunk. (We’re not allowed to dispose of a large dead animal in the trash; plus we had already missed trash pickup and I wouldn’t want the thing sitting in the garbage can for a week.) Meanwhile, my wife continued trying to find someone who was interested in the dead, possibly rabid, certainly spooky skunk. She finally managed to talk to a person at Fish & Wildlife. Hey, Fish & Wildlife, we have dead wildlife here that might be infected with rabies! That’s something for you guys, right? Right? (insert ten minutes of hemming and hawing from government agency here) Wrong. Well if you guys don’t handle it, who does? (insert ten more minutes of hemming and hawing from government agency here) Oh, we need to call the county Vector Control department, you say? Gosh, why didn’t we think of that?
So my wife called up Vector Control again. What’s your vector, Victor? Oh, your vector is a skunk? Well sure, technically skunks are a rabies vector, and technically we are called “Vector Control”, but the words “Vector” and “Control” have many definitions. You know who will straighten you right out? The state department of Fish & Wildlife’s dead animal removal service. Here, let me give you their number! (At this point, I could actually hear my wife’s gaskets popping.) “Who. Is. Responsible. For. Monitoring. Rabies. In. California?” (insert ten minutes of hemming and hawing from government agency here) Oh, you’re concerned about rabies! Sorry, we misunderstood! Why didn’t you call somebody while the animal was alive? (*POP* *POP* *POP* *POP*) You should talk to the county veterinarian.
So my wife called up the county veterinarian. Sadly, the county veterinarian doesn’t collect dead animals. Well then, what if we were to put the animal in a bag and drop it off at your front door? Then you would test it for rabies, right? Wrong. The county veterinarian doesn’t monitor dead animals for rabies anymore, because it costs too much money. Unless the skunk were actually to fasten onto someone’s body, vorpal-bunny style, they aren’t interested. My wife pointed out to them that despite the fact that they aren’t monitoring for rabies, they are still publishing statistics saying how low the incidence of rabies is in wild animals in the county: Lies, damned lies, and statistics. News Flash: Monitoring agency detects zero incidence of disease for which it is not testing! Film at eleven! Hmm, you know what else costs money? Keeping open a bunch of overlapping bureaucratic departments, none of which is doing its job.
Anyway, the upshot is, the wildlife removal guy showed up when he said he would and took the skunk away to be incinerated. (“There’s nothing left of those zombies except smoke, and the rain’s taking care of that.”) So in the end everything turned out just fine … for the wildlife removal service, which got some business, and for the various agencies, which didn’t have to do anything except point fingers at each other. Things didn’t turn out so well for the skunk, which ended up dead, or for us, who got to pay for its cremation.
But that’s how we roll in the Great State of California.
The Oceanside Animals 
Love the line, (“There’s nothing left of those zombies except smoke, and the rain’s taking care of that.”)………is that from something?
LikeLike
hello nevis its dennis the vizsla dog hay yes that is frum the faymus dokyoomentary reetern of the living ded wich is wun of dadas favrit mooveez on akkownt of he is a weerdo!!! ok bye
LikeLike
Yuh, we watch all the zombie documentaries too.
Vector control? I agree that it would surprise me if a bunch of mathmeticians really wanted to handle a dead skunk, but it is California I suppose.
We lost power last night. Could that have possibly been the Mrs. head exploding from over exposure to government agencies?
Slobbers,
Mango
LikeLike
Trust me, not just the great State of California as I told you in my comment the other day. But at least there are still few detected incidences of rabies in your county. Don’t you feel better?
LikeLike
I bet that dead skunk would be GREAT to roll around in!
LikeLike
Oh the wonderful world of bureaucracy… ain’t it the best!
LikeLike
this is just ridiculous. seems all government departments, worldwide, are the same… not me, not us, no.
LikeLike
How can the Great and Glorious State of CA (which is supposed to be broke) afford all of these super duper agencies that “don’t do that kind of thing.” I hope you are putting this in mailing form to send to Arnie or Maria for their info. Ah right, it would Never Get to them, would it! Hmmm, lets think about this!
Kisses,
Stella and Jo
LikeLike
Oh my. You sure have some “stick-to-it-ness.” I think I would have given up half-way through Sunday …
LikeLike
Oh dude, I’m soooooo with you on the gov’t and CA thing. (i’m in NorCal…)… I’ve been on that rollercoaster of government logic before. those 360 degree turns that end you up at zero. infuriating. Did you ever see my blazing post about the post office? Read it if you want a giggle. We still don’t get mail.
http://www.wilddingo.com/2007/11/07/neither-snow-nor-rain-nor-gloom-of-night-stays-these-couriers-from-their-appointed-rounds%e2%80%a6unless-they-have-to-turn-left/
~wags-n-wiggles~
wild dingo
LikeLike
Wow. I am speechless. But oddly not that shocked. That’s awful you had to pay for the removal AND the time you had to spend calling everyone! We have rabid raccoons here which is scary but no rabid skunks. Although there are at least two skunk families in our park. We did have a wounded hawk we saw in our park one night. It was near the path and hopping so it obviously couldn’t fly away. We called 311 and were so impressed when about an hour later a ranger was in the park and called us to make sure they got the right location. California needs 311 I think.
LikeLike
Dang, just dang!
LikeLike
We (I consulted with the dogs) would have called the local news channel — always looking for an off-beat story — and told them a rabid skunk was skulking along the houses in _____ neighborhood. Since we have little other news besides our Governor’s Pay-to-Play scandals, the cameras would have been right out. Then they would have done a follow-up expose about how no agency is responsible for capturing and testing the animal.
LikeLike
Actually my wife called our local “investigative reporter” who does exposes on television, but he never called her back — maybe because he’s in San Diego and doesn’t care about rabid animals in Oceanside …
LikeLike
I see….hmmmm…..
Now I understand why my Daddy didn’t take that job in California…
Smileys!
Dory
LikeLike
What a great way to keep the rabies stats down: don’t test for rabies.
LikeLike
This is a tragically hilarious account of government bureaucracy. What do these agencies do all day – go to the lakes and rivers and count fish? And then they make you pay for the cremation. Incredible. I guess those tax dollars are hard at work elsewhere.
LikeLike
Hey, Dennis-
The Saga of the Possibly Rabid Skunk could be yer Dada’s next best seller.
Yer pal,
Luda
LikeLike
hello luda its dennis the vizsla dog hay wot do yoo meen nekst he hasnt had his first wun yet!!! ha ha ha ha ok bye
LikeLike
Wow what a mess. I am surprised anyone actaully came out. I probably would have said I have a rabid skunk that bit me, with frothing gums and sharp teeth and is trying to pick the locks on my back door and bite everyone inside, I will bet someone would have showed up then!!
LikeLike
No good deed goes unpunished, eh? Let this be a lesson to you! Next time, put the skunk carcass in a garbage sack and give it a proper burial in a dumpster somewhere, or perhaps a burial at sea… Or better yet, leave at at the door of one of the offices where they never called you back!
Now, a few words from Bunny:
Dennis, tell me you got to roll on that skunk! That would make the most awesome stink ever! Plus, I bet if you picked it up, it would be awesome to shake around!
LikeLike
well…i’m certainly glad you got that all settled so the next time a rabid animal attacks your homestead you know exactly what to do, right? hmmm…
LikeLike
Well, I am sorry you gig not have a chance to have wordless Wednesday….maybe Thursday? Try to maintain courage! 🙂
LikeLike
So exactly what DO all those agencies tend to if they couldn’t help you out? No wonder CA is in such a state!!!
LikeLike
So, did woo name the skunk Polly?
LikeLike
Oh my….
That’s alot of passing around to get to the “right” person in charge…. sheesh…
LikeLike
Oh, I am saddened my the parting of the skunk 😦 I love all creatures great and small even the rabid ones 😦 😦 😦 . I think I am going to go now and hug my cat 😦
LikeLike
Y’know, I would’ve given up after the second or third phone call the first time around. But then there never would’ve been the material for your two PRS I and PRS II postings.
LikeLike
I suppose it comes from growing up out in the countryside but I would have waited a day or so to be certain it was dead and then simply buried the thing. Sorry you had such a hard time with the poor, dead, smelly thing.
LikeLike
“I only believe in statistics that I doctored myself. ” Winston got a point there… 🙂
LikeLike
This is just astoundingly mind-boggling, isn’t it? *sigh*
LikeLike