THE FOLLOWING IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Hello, stuffie friends. This is Round Duck.
I was recently awarded to Dennis for racing in a flyball competition. Immediately upon arriving, I began to hear horror stories from the other stuffies about their treatment at Dennis’s paws, but I was sure that, being a prize for his athletic performance, I would receive more respect. Unfortunately I was quite wrong.
Not long after arriving in Dennis’s household, he began asking me if I suffered from headaches. I kept assuring him that I didn’t, yet he persisted in asking the question, eventually going so far as to suggest that I might suffer from unrelieved cranial pressure. Despite my protests that my stuffing levels were just right, he declared that I was in dire need of a procedure that he referred to as “trespassing.”
Only later did I find out that what he really meant was “trepanning”.
During this so-called “emergency Gumby-ectomy procedure”, Dennis pulled out my honker tube through the hole he made, in order to, as he put it, “let out all the little bits of it”. He did not say what “it” was, but presumably he meant my stuffing.
Yet this is nonsensical, because my honker tube is self-contained and does not provide an exit route for stuffing, or for anything else, except honker air and, in Dennis’s feverish imagination, ghosts.
So now I am left with a plastic tube extruding most embarrassingly from my head, and must suffer the mockery of all the other stuffies who make a point of coming up to me to say, “I told you so!”
Do not let this happen to you! Remember, stories of evil spirits that live inside your head are just that, stories!
And if someone comes at you with a “melon baller” that looks more like a hole saw, run away! The cranium you save may be your own. Thank you and good day.