Having turned the tables on bounty-hunting Pug Masterson, my friend the Man With No Name is once again in control of his own destiny, as am I. Much as I would love to stay and further study the history and aftermath of the Rice Wars, I have unfinished business in space. To my surprise, the Man With No Name offers his assistance in getting me back there; it turns out he has been secretly building a launching pad, with the intent to leave this world behind and find another one, a world where you can have rice or orzo or both and no one thinks anything of it. The name of this Utopian planet? Earth.
As we cannot release Pug Masterson, lest he return with a bigger posse, we have no choice but to hold him prisoner until we make good our escape from this carb-laden world. We are supposed to keep our intentions a secret from him, but with his cunning interrogation technique, the pug tricks me into telling him our plans.
And so, the Man With No Name decides that, in order to preserve the secrecy of our journey, Pug Masterson must come with us after all; and he charges me with the difficult task of keeping Pug in line.
Once preparations are complete, we repair to the waiting spaceship, and leave this world of trouble behind. By which I don’t mean a world ruled by Trouble the Kitty, which would just be terrifying; I mean a world full of problems. Not that a world ruled by Trouble the Kitty wouldn’t be full of problems. Sorry, what was I talking about again? Egad, while I was wandering off on that tangent, I lost my position in the front seat!
Soon we achieve orbit, where we discover my own ship, the Orca, floating derelict after being abandoned by the Rice Pirates. The Man With No Name offers to take me on a spacewalk back to the Orca; and, of course, I never turn down walkies.
Soon I will be back aboard my own ship and then, perhaps, I can finally complete my mission! I’ve almost forgotten what it was, but then the Man With No Name gives me the opportunity for a helpful recap.
My friend not only gives me directions to the nearest Costco, but he even loans me some space credits so I can buy the Mentos and Diet Coke I need to destroy the Death Spud or the Spud Star or whatever it’s called. Yes, it seems like everything is finally going my way; Earth will be saved, Darth Tater will be eliminated, and I will get to go home. It’s good to be Dennis the Vizsla — this time I don’t even need to say I never give up. But in case you were wondering, I don’t!