Battle Beyond The Costco

Having escaped from the planet of the Orzo Outlaws, and with a pocket full of space credits courtesy of the Man With No Name, I am now ready to purchase a load of Mentos and Diet Coke from the nearest Costco and then destroy Darth Tater’s terrible Death Spud or Spud Star or whatever it’s called. All I have to do is pop in and out of Costco and be on my way; the Death Spud Star will be mashed potatoes by dinner time. Or will it … ?

My first inkling that perhaps this shopping trip will not be as simple as I had thought comes when I arrive in the parking lot, where I discover a queue of people waiting to get into the store. What could possibly be the explanation? Has some nefarious villain barricaded the entrance? Has the building been evacuated? Is it not open yet? Only time will tell.

With no other option, I am forced to wait in the huge line as we file into the store one by one to do our shopping. It is only hours later, when I reach the enormous front gate, that I learn a terrible secret:

Yes, it seems that without a membership, I cannot purchase my Mentos and Diet Coke — but if I purchase a membership, then I won’t be able to afford the products I need to blow up the Spud Death Star. Caught in this Catch-22, my mission hangs in the balance, until I am rescued by a Space Cowboy. A different one this time.

However, getting into this vast temple of commerce is only the beginning; now, I must navigate its cavernous aisles in search of the treasure I need. Others wander past, as lost and baffled as myself, but I cannot help them; I must devote all my energy to my own quest, and have none to spare for theirs.

At last, forced to admit defeat, I must beg for assistance from the disembodied head that rules this realm of bulk deals and cheap electronics.

It takes hours of trudging, but I eventually fill my gargantuan shopping cart with cases of Diet Coke and Mentos, carefully separated from each other by layers of insulation that I rip out of the walls with my teeth. I make my way back to the checkstands, where huge lines of iPhone-purchasing aliens queue through the store like visitors to Disneyland waiting to ride Space Mountain. Finally, after an interminable period, I reach the cashier, only to encounter yet more delays.

At last the prices are confirmed. I hand over my space credits and proceed to the exit, where another line has formed of people trying to leave the store and return to their vehicles. Hours pass before I reach the actual egress, where I once again confront my nemesis.

My attempt to defuse the situation with humor falls flat, and I am led away to a back room where unfortunate staffers are forced to wait for me to produce the receipt, as it were.

However, at last the receipt emerges, and is validated. I am finally free to leave with my precious cargo of weaponized candy. With that challenge behind me, all that remains is to find the Death Star Spud, destroy it, make my escape, and return to earth. I have no doubt that, after braving the challenges of the Costco, this will be the easy part; because I am Dennis the Vizsla, and I never give up.

24 thoughts on “Battle Beyond The Costco

  1. Ah yes… lines to get in and out – love that Costco heheh! You did a great job of negotiating all those hundreds of aisles; I hope you don’t have to go through so much to find the Death Star Spud!
    Hugs xoxo


  2. We don’t have Costco here… Just Sam’s “Club” where they “hit” you with those silly In and Out rules too. I’m thinkin’ that it is all a bunch of “re-cycled” receipts myself.. If you get my drift. hehehe


  3. Dennis, you were so brave on your Costco mission. I’m sure you’ll make mashed potatoes of the spud planet in no time at all. Good luck on the 2nd half of your mission. Keep the Mentos dry. 🙂


  4. This all sounds worryingly familiar – we were at Costco today! We now have vast quantities of things we don’t need!
    Best of British Dennis – we are glad you never give up.
    Martha and Bailey xx


  5. Dennis, we think this is the scariest episodes of ANY of your cereals we have ever seen!!!

    Have you thought about giving up on this one???

    Smileys & Snuggles!
    Dory, Bilbo and Jacob


  6. Wow. Um. I guess that explains why Mom and Dad don’t go to Costco. (Well, that and the nearest Costco is 50 miles away, and Mom somehow can’t justify the gas money (and time) to go buy giant bags of kibble. I totally don’t know what she is thinking…)

    *kissey face*


  7. Why does anyone bother to imbibed Diet Coke? Ya’ll just drink MORE of it to make up for it not being fully loaded and the result is the same as if you swallowed the real thing–which by the way is produced by an evil entity that defies description in this forum. Hmmm…Costco….hmmm me sticking to the city market where I can smell everything I buy.


  8. I karnt beeleev they charjd yoo for the insyoolayshun after yoo had to do the hard werk ov procyooring it yorself Dennis. Sum playses only cair abowt rofit with no considerayshun for thair kustomers. The reeseet cheking guy looks like a non-puppet Brayns from the dollymen dokyoomentry Thundaberds.
    Hay heers wot yoo cood do wiv yor Coke & Mentos


  9. I can’t believe I missed this post. Flat Tony gave me a link as he said this is where he learned about Costco. Funny how Dennis ate the recipet and they had to wait till they could give the OK to leave. Funny post.


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