Having been recruited by the mysterious Rylan Star League, I had expected to receive a starfighter and training in how to fly it, so that I can destroy my nemesis Darth Tater; but it turns out that the Rylan Star League, far from being an elite corps of pilots, is in fact a bowling organization. They have starfighters, to be sure, but in order to earn one, I have to defeat their top ace, Jesus Quintana, known as “The Jesus”, in single combat. The weapon of choice: A bowling ball. Fortunately, when it comes to games involving balls, no one can beat The Dennis.
Perhaps sensing that he is outclassed, “The Jesus” begins the match with an ostentatious display of ball-cleaning that is clearly intended to psych me out. But as “The Jesus” soon learns, I give as good as I get.
With the preliminaries out of the way, the match begins. As the reigning champion, “The Jesus” gets the first throw, which he begins with an odd ball-licking ritual. Perhaps this is why he was cleaning it so intently earlier.
Then with a mighty swing, “The Jesus” sends Hello Kitty hurtling at the pins!
But fast as Hello Kitty is, she is not as fast as Dennis the Vizsla.
I return Hello Kitty to “The Jesus”, who seems oddly unhappy to have her back.
“The Jesus” angrily hurls the ball with even more force this time but I, expert fetch-player that I am, again intercept it before it stops moving. After several repetitions of this, “The Jesus” begins to crack under the pressure of my mad fetching skills.
And when the supreme commanders of the Rylan Star League grow impatient with “The Jesus”, I know that the battle is won.
“The Jesus” is not as gracious in defeat as his flowery speech might lead one to expect.
Before I can finish parsing that rant, The Dude, having adjudged me the winner, takes me into the back, where the starfighters are kept. At last I will get my state-of-the-art spacecraft and defeat Darth Tater once and for all!
Despite my disappointment at the lack of training, I choose a starfighter and am on my way. Soon I am within striking distance of Darth Tater and the Death Spud. I engage my battle computer and as the heads-up display appears, I begin to wonder if this ship is really as advanced as Centauri said it was.
But the Death Spud has detected me, and I have no choice now but to plunge ahead and hope that skill, luck, and the element of surprise will be enough for me to overcome Darth Tater’s evil might. And, of course, my secret payload of Mentos and Diet Coke. Let the battle begin!