The Doggies Never Say Die

Having found what may in fact be the entrance to the network of tunnels leading to pirate treasure, the Goonies and I have embarked on a dangerous journey of discovery and exploration in the fractured ground beneath the Goondocks. I am still skeptical that there is gold to be found here, but at least I have distracted that Data kid from his scheme to put me on display as a talking dog and sell tickets to slack-jawed spectators. Now I just have to find a way to get rid of him …

As we venture beyond the reach of surface illumination, the tunnels grow dark and forbidding. Fortunately the wheezy Goonie named Mikey stumbles across a box of candles. Or at least, things that look like candles.

Once again my attempt to rid myself of Data has been thwarted. Undaunted, the others and I continue venturing still deeper into this maze of traps and caverns. Strangely enough, we begin to hear the sound of music drifting from a side tunnel; when we go to investigate, we discover a secret nightclub chiseled into the rock. Naturally enough, we are denied admission. At least, some of us are.

Using my guile and cunning developed over years of faculty infighting at the university, I cleverly cause the musclebound bouncer to leave his post outside the nightclub, while simultaneously neutralizing that kid, Data.

Once the bouncer has gone to beat up Data, the rest of us sneak into the nightclub and follow the map to the DJ booth in the back, where we discover a primitive Moog synthesizer that turns out to be the key to the next part of the puzzle.

Andy plays the required tune, reading the notes from the faded, burned map; but either she makes a mistake or the map is too worn to read, because suddenly the floor opens up beneath us! And instead of a bottomless pit, we find ourselves falling down something even worse: A water slide!

My hatred of water is well-documented; and now I am about to be plunged into the middle of a huge pool of water! How will I ever make it back to dry land? Is this really the way to the pirate treasure? And how did 18th century pirates even know about “The Final Countdown” anyway? I will find the answers to these questions — because I am Dennis the Vizsla, and I never give up!