Hello good readers. This is Tucker the Much Better Vizsla Than Dennis. Normally today would feature his ridiculous Sunday Awards and Meme Show, but since Dennis is still in court over his scheme to buy awards with toaster ovens, I have decided to instead investigate the true meaning of Halloween, which I am afraid has been lost in all the spooky commercialism of costumes and ghosts and vampires and whatnot. By doing this, I hope to return Halloween to its real purpose: A great big birthday party for me.
Some would have you believe the completely false and erroneous Wikipedia article about Halloween, which states that the holiday has “[its] roots in the Celtic festival of Samhain and the Christian holiday All Saints’ Day”. This misreading of the historical record is understandable given the fact that Wikipedia has only been around since 2001 and so can’t really be expected to know what happened before then. Also, Wikipedia lacks an entry for me, Tucker the Much Better Vizsla Than Dennis, which is no doubt due to Dennis vandalizing and deleting my article every time I add it. If Wikipedia were truly complete, however, it would record that my birthday is October 31, 1998, which just happens to be the very same day that Halloween was first celebrated as far as I know. Coincidence? Hardly.
Still more evidence of Halloween’s Tucker-related origins can be found in this photo of a group of young trick-or-treaters who are all wearing a traditional Tucker mask while scrounging for treats.
Clearly, dressing as me, Tucker, is a very important part of the Halloween celebration for these children.
Having thus demonstrated that all trick-or-treaters wear Tucker masks regardless of what sort of costume they have on, let us know proceed to examining the purpose of Halloween. These trick-or-treaters go door to door asking the occupants of each house for food; I am not allowed to go door to door, but I do spend most of my time asking for food. Clearly Halloween is patterned after my favorite pastime.
Now finally, let us look at this compound word, “trick or treater”. If you carefully rearrange the letters, you get the phrase “Tocker Eattirrr”, which is clearly a corruption of “Tucker Eater”, which is my name and what I like to do.
So remember, children, when you are out there collecting candy, the only reason people are giving it to you rather than releasing the hounds to chase you off their property is because they are celebrating my twelfth birthday. But I am a very generous vizsla and will only take 10% of your loot (no chocolate please). Feel free to just leave it on a pile in the front yard. QED — the case of what Halloween is all about is closed.
Elementary, my dear Trixie. Elementary.