Hello good readers. This is Tucker the Much Better Vizsla Than Dennis. Longtime acquaintances of Dennis may remember his claims of flyball super-stardom. But do Dennis’s claims add up? On Sunday, I was invited to a demo put on by Dennis’s flyball team, while Dennis stayed home, supposedly due to his nervous condition involving large munitions exploding at the nearby Marine base (or, as I call it, “Something That Happens Every Day And What’s The Big Deal?”). This presented me with the perfect opportunity to investigate his so-called athleticism. Come, Trixie! The game’s afoot!
The demo took place along the shore, for the benefit of a small dog park. It was an excruciating one-block walk to the park from where our chauffeur, also known as Dada, parked the car. Rest assured, his pay will be docked for making me walk all that distance.
Upon arrival, I discovered the flyball field set up much as Dennis has described it in the past. However, as you will soon see, this proved to be the only part of his story that turned out to be accurate.
Now, Dennis claims that when he plays flyball, he has to leap over obstacles, grab a ball from a box, and run back, leaping over the same obstacles, all while competing against another team. Being a demo, there was no other team, but still, you would expect that I would have to jump over obstacles and grab a ball, since Mama had brought me as her dog. But is that what happened? You be the judge.
As can plainly be seen, I did nothing of the sort. I sat on Dada’s lap, and watched OTHER dogs run and jump. Is there any reason to think that Dennis did anything differently?
Now, you may remember that Dennis has posted numerous videos purporting to show him running and jumping and carrying a ball. But my keen eyes discovered that there is, in fact, another vizsla dog on Dennis’s team. It would be trivial for Dennis, being a very nondescript sort of vizsla dog (unlike my distinguished and distinctive self), to pass off video of this other dog as being of him.
So what might Dennis have actually been doing at flyball? Well, it seems that there is a good deal of drinking going on at these events, as captured in this shocking video!
And there is also, as you can see, a great deal of kissing.
And a large number of noisy kids, all of whom were on my lawn, ignoring my continuous admonitions that they should be quiet and go somewhere else.
I was so worn out from trying to restore order, I needed to retire to Mama’s lap to recuperate.
Ah, blessed rest.
So what can we see from this? Clearly, Dennis’s tales of flyball glory are nothing but fabrications. There is no doubt that he spent all of his so-called racing days relaxing on Mama’s lap, just like I did. The Adventure of the Flyball Demo has been resolved!
Elementary, my dear Trixie. Elementary.