hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog hay i am sorry to preempt the eksiting konkloozhun of bugs bunnys rayse aginst the tortiss but last nite tucker bekaym verry sik and had to go to the emerdjensee vet ware he reeseevd sub … subkyoo … wel ennyway they stuk a needel in him just like wot trouble the kitty yoozed to git and then they sent him home with antibiotiks!!! evrywun wuz verry wurreed abowt him!!! but then mama remembered that she had kawt him eeting sum misteeryus thing wot he fownd owt in the bakyard and she did not git to him in time to mayk him stop so now evrywun thinks he is having a bad reakshun to wot the emerdjensee vet calld a dietary indiskreshun!!! so theirfore as a publik serviss i am presenting a skolarly treetis on things wot shud be eeten and things wot shud be rolld in chek it owt!!!
well of korse we must first start owt with the klassik thing wot us dogs like to both eet and roll in and that wood be animal skat!!!
of korse this is a pikcher of dried animal skat or as we like to call it skat jerky ha ha ennyway the desizhun of wether to eet the skat or roll in it or roll in it and then eet it is always a diffikult wun to mayk but heer ar sum gidelines!!!
- if the skat is alreddy dried into skat jerky their is not mutch sense rolling in it on akkownt of yoo wont be abel to git a proper koating of it on yore furs so in that kayse yoo mite as wel just eet it!!!
- if the skat is not verry firm yoo do not want to eet it becuz the animal wot left it mite hav a stomak bug like tucker duz at the moment so in that kayse yoo shud just roll in it!!!
- if the skat is frum an erbivore and is a nise pellet shayp like in figger h or i or j then do not wayst it by gobbling it up!!! insted ask yore mama or dada to bring it home and put it in a bowl so yoo can snak on it wile watching animal planet!!!
- if the skat is frum a karnivore it wil probly smel delishus but it cud be ful of skarry bakteerya and wotnot!!! so insted of just eeting it ask yore mama or dada to bring it home and put it in the mikrowayv oven for a minnit in order to irradeayt and kil ennything unplezzant wot it mite kontayn!!!
- finaly wen in dowt just roll in it!!! yoo can always lik it off yore furs layter as long as yoo do it before yore mama or dada mayks yoo tayk a bath!!!
okay so mutch for skat reely it cud be a topik all its own but sinse this is a publik serviss annownsmint we hav to moov on to the nekst thing wot yoo mite find to eet or roll in and that of korse is a ded animal of sum sort!!!
now of korse this is meerly a ded stuffie animal wot wuz krushd by a bord but yoo git the ideea!!! in jeneral unless wun nos wot kawzd the demize of the ded animal it is better just to roll in it then to eet it after all yoo do not no ware the ded animal has ben!!! unless of korse it happens to be kerrying a sertifikat of inspekshun frum the usda becuz we all no the usda is rite on top of enny possibul helth hazards frum peenut butter or lettus or spinatch or can’t-elope or ded animals!!!
and of korse no diskushun abowrt rolling in ded things wood be kompleet without diskussing legless zombeez!!!
now of korse zombeez sort of fall into the kategorry of ded things however they do tend to moov arownd and they also tend to bite bak!!! eeven the legless wuns can be trubbelsum as they heave themselvs arownd with there pointy fingers!!! zombeez ar definitly always infekted with sumthing so yoo do not want to eet them however yoo may be able to git in a kwik roll on them if yoo avoyd there nasty snapping teeth!!! rolling in zombeez is also a wel nown methud of konfyoozing other zombeez into thinking yoo ar a zombee too gud advise for gitting owt of an infested areea!!!
ok mooving on frum zombeez we hav fast fud!!! yoo shud definitly be kayrful wen eeting this stuf!!! however it mite be okay for rolling in as long as yoo dont hav enny open cuts witch leevs dada rite owt ha ha ha ha ha ennyway if yoo do feel the need to eet fast fud wot yoo find lying arownd mayk shoor yoo hav korektly identified wot kind of fast fud it is becuz eeting unnown fast fud is kind of like eeting an unnown mushroom if it is the rong kind yoo ar going to regret it!!! heer is an eksampel fast fud wot yoo shud eet!!!
and heer is an eksampel of fast food wot yoo shud just roll in!!!
ok mooving on frum fast fud lets diskuss toksik wayst!!!
now despite wot yoo may hav herd frum reeding komik buks or watching films sutch as the faymus dokyoomentary the toksik avendjer rolling in or eeting toksik wayst wil most likely not giv yoo sooperpowers and so it is best avoyded!!! however if yoo feel that yoo do hav laytent sooperpowers wot need a littel sumthing ekstra to kik in yoo may want to try standing neer the toksik wayst just to see if sumthing happens however yoo may be better advised to try to find an earadeeayted spider and entice it to bite yoo by pretending to be a fly!!!
ok mooving on frum toksik wayst we hav an eeven less appeeling substanse thats rite its politiks!!! its evryware rite now and yoo kant go ennyware withowt stepping in it or gitting splatterd with it!!!
dont eet it or roll in it!!! just run in the opposit direkshun if yoo kan figger owt wot the opposit direkshun is!!!
okay that is the end of my skolalry treetis on wot yoo shud eet and wot yoo shud roll in i hope it wil help owt those like tucker hoo mite think they hav fownd sumthing gud to eet yoo may want to print it owt and kerry it with yoo as a handy dandy gide to keeping sayf wile yoo ar owt finding stuf on the grownd!!! just remember yoo do not want to end up in the emerdjensee rum like tucker did it is no fun at all and plus it costs yore hyooman green papers wot mite otherwise hav been yoozed to buy yoo treets and food and tikkits to go see a performanse of cats!!! ok bye
The Oceanside Animals 
We’ll have to get our woofies to read this. They are forever eating strange things on walks and swalowing before Jan can take them away.
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Run far, far away from politics!!!
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Wow, Dennis, I am most impressed with the work you have done on this scholarly treatis, you should be very proud of yourself for all of your fine research, display and photographs!
I am most sorry to hear that Tucker was sick and hope that he gets well fast! I have been fine myself but I just ate some pieces of my Mom’s homemade pizza and I am feeling a little stuffed (I helped myself to some that wasn’t mine, you know how that is, don’t you?) But I
think I will get over it. Cheers, Stella
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Very deep! The boys are studying it right now!
Sam
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Dietary indiskreshuns sound quite delicious, but thanks to your public service announcement, we will all stick to rolling in them just to be on the safe side. Being stuck with a needle is not worth the thrill on the palette from discovering a new yum yum..
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Poor Tucker!! We hope he’s feeling better soon. Remind him of the giant birthday cake you owe him and that should perk him up. Thanks for the very graphic diagrams – no doubt they will be referred to during my next lecture!
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Dennis, this is a well-thought-out treatise! I’m very impressed by all the research you must have done to figure all this stuff out, especially about In-N-Out Burger! Who knew there was so much to know about things you can roll in or eat? Thanks for this great public service!
Bunny
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I’m glad to hear Tucker is okay…my peoples love to give monies to the vets too. I’m glad you wrote this guide for two reasons, I will eat anything I find, so maybe I will remember this and keep my stomach safe in the future, and I also appreciate the tip of rolling in zombies to prevent them from finding you. I wonder if rolling in zombie scat helps? I also wonder just how I might convince the peoples to microwave other scats for me so that I can indulge more safely….?
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This is EXCELLENT advice my furend. I hope that Tucker is better now.
I ate a bunch of RABBIT “SCAT” once… and I got WORMS.
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Poor Tucker … He can’t help it .. have you checked to see if he has “Doggieheimers?” and thought it was Kashi Cereal?
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Deew Dennis,
Wow, that was a most in debf and scholawly tweetise(i expeckt , they will want a copy in the libeawy of congwess) anyway, i will keep it neew me if I evew get a chance to not walk on cobbly stone stweets , whewe I don’t seem to have any chance to get neew any of the things to woll in ow eat even.
Tank dog yoow pawents had enuff gween papews to make Tuckew get tweeted. I shoowe hope he’s all the way well soonest
Smoochie kisses
Asta
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Dennis, you are simply hilarious. Be careful of those zombies – I wouldn’t even risk a roll if I were you. Sorry to hear about Tucker – hope he gets well very, very soon. In the meantime, I would suggest that this well researched paper should be submitted for publication so that all dogs have a handy rule book to go by. If necessary, we could start a petition to get it enforced world wide.
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Take care of Tucker. Every once in a while we guess wrong. I had a lovely buffet of several kinds of scat today. Now I am busy chewing my nails. I never let mama touch them. I noticed it looked like yours were cut. How can you tolerate that? Maggie the Vizsla.
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Sounds like Tucker’s dietary indiscretion wasn’t very indiscreet on his inward guts parts. I hope the bunny stuffy survived as that board looks pretty hard. I do like the look of the burgers, even the McBurger but you need to avoid the onion in them ‘cos that’s bad for us doggys too. Mummy or Daddy usually just break bits off their burgers for me & make sure I don’t get onion in the bits. Thank you for your wise advise Dennis. I hope Tucker TMBTDVD will be OK. Now I better go check my back yard territory for any scats. Ummm… cats, I mean cats ‘cos I hate cats
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Awww that’s no fun getting sick I hope Tucker Get’s Well Soon! I was excited to see the scat quiz and could not help but to guess what some of the scat samples were. A scatologist at heart! :+) I’m glad to have a list of which fast food to roll in and which is safe to eat. I know I will be thinking of this post next time I have a burger. Funny Post you guys!
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Wow, I did learn some new things on this cool post. Thanks all! Happy Halloween. Getting dressed up?
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Dennis,
That was very helpful and I am going to print out a copy to take along on walkies so that I am sure to get everything right.
Hope Tucker feels better soon.
Kisses,
Dexter
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Get better soon Tucker and thank you very much Dennis for telling us all about good food and bad food.
Molly, Taffy, Monty and Winnie
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Dennis,
This is excellent! You obviously spent a great deal of time researching the topic. As a labradude, I always thought I could eat EVERYTHING, but now I know I must be more discriminating. Perhaps that’s why my momma gets upset when I eat unidentified substances.
your pal,
Garth
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The Herd totally loves this post. In your first category, their personal favorite is horse apples because there is plenty to both roll in and eat.
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Dennis, is there a take away flow chart that we could reference while on walkies? This is awesome information but we are worried that we’ll get confused when we are faced with one of these important decisions!
Sam and Pippen
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Wow, Dennis! That is Most Instructive. Although we don’t have an In-n-Out Burger close to us, so we will force ourselves to eat cheeseburgers from McDonalds – it might also help us release our latent superpowers – so it’s kind of a double bonus… That said, we definitely prefer things that can be both eaten and rolled in. Moose poop is very accommodating that way! Thank you, as always, for your useful and informative posts!
*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Hippobottomus
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