The Adventure of the Ham Plate

Hello, good readers. This is Tucker the Much Better Vizsla than Dennis. Lately there have been a number of scurrilous rumors floated that I am old and feeble or that I need to be administered fluids. But could these stories possibly be true? Let’s investigate and find out. Come, Trixie, the game’s afoot!


As our first piece of evidence, let us consider the so-called bag of fluids itself. As can be clearly seen in this picture, the bag is hanging high above the floor, from the apparatus that once supported the cage that housed the parakeet whose lovely singing so terrified the endlessly-neurotic Dennis that he attempted to dig his way out of the yard.

La Cage au Fluides

Oh, how I miss that bird. But I digress. The point is, if the fluids are way up there, how can they get to me down on the floor? The entire concept is silly. Besides, the most important piece of evidence is right here.

Is it bits of Black Forest ham? Or is it modern art?

Yes, that is a ham plate. A lovely, delicious ham plate. A wonderfully scrumptious ham plate.

“Hey, Dennis. Come check out the ham plate.”
“It’s nice, isn’t it, Dennis? Too bad it’s not for you. Psych!”

Now, Dennis, go away, because that’s my ham plate.

I’m calm.
I’m casual.
I’m ready for the ham plate ANY FREAKING TIME, Dada.

My barker may not work all that well anymore (some claim that this is due to my medical condition, but we all know it’s REALLY because I wore my voice out yelling at Dennis to behave), but just ask me if I want that ham plate.  I’ll tell you.

Now it may be the case that there are some needles on the shelf. I don’t know what they are for. Certainly they are not for me. Maybe they’re for giving Dennis sedatives. Dog knows he needs them.

Terumo needles. Accept no substitute.  If you need subcutaneous fluids.  Which I do not.

And now, having conclusively demonstrated that the needles and fluids are NOT for me, let me show you the fact of the matter: That I have Mama and Dada perfectly trained to sit there and feed me pieces of ham for four minutes straight.

That’s a nasty lingering cough you have there, Dada.  Perhaps YOU need fluids, but clearly I do not.  Sorry to shoot down the whole “Tucker needs fluids” fairy tale you have spun, Dennis, but the truth has been revealed. The Adventure of the Ham Plate is eaten. I mean, closed.

Elementary, my dear Trixie. Elementary.

14 thoughts on “The Adventure of the Ham Plate

  1. Its a good thing to get things straight, Tucker, as it is also a good thing to Tell the Truth. Perhaps if you watched the video you could see what is being done!



  2. We’re glad that you set the matter straight, Tucker, instead of reading what the tending-toward-hyperbole-Dennis has told us.

    Training humans is not a job for the weak, but you seem to be doing a good job.


  3. Clearly you are NOT getting fluids. You are getting fed ham while your parents play doctor. (BTW, Mom thinks it’s very nice of you to wear your extra-large dog suit when getting fed ham, so your Mom can make a good stick with the needle; when TaiChi was old and frail it was sometimes tough for our Mom to get a good chunk of loose dog suit when, erm, feeding TaiChi ham.) You handle that whole ham-feeding thing very well, Tucker!

    *kissey face*
    -Fiona and Abby the Hippobottomus


  4. Wow four whole minutes of being fed ham as you lie there – you need to teach me your trick o great one! I have to turn and all sorts for mine!!


  5. Well Tucker…seeing your nightly routine there, I must agree….no needles for you. 🙂 And how awesome that you have taught your parents to give you ham on a plate each night like a king. You totally deserve it.

    As for your “voice” I find it endearing. And much more pleasant to listen to than a “younger” dog’s bark. 🙂


  6. As usual, Tucker, you pack a lot of information into a single post. I am curious about that singing bird that made Dennis pull a nutter. Could it be that he was abused by a parakeet in a previous life? Or perhaps he WAS a parakeet and can no longer bear the idea that his former self is in bird jail.

    Your vocalizing is very effective. Certainly mama and dada have attuned themselves to the constant yammering of Dennis and require a different voice from you in order to pay attention.

    As for the ham consumption demonstration. It must be quite good indeed because I did see mama pinching you roughly. Perhaps she was getting ready to do a BMI test on you?



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