Strategery

dennis_goggles_1Producer Smurf: “Dennis! What’s smurfing on here? Why are you smurfing steampunk goggles?”
Dennis: “Hey, you’re blue! Do I know you? Gosh that rhymes! Multiple times!”
Producer Smurf: “Why are you smurfing like a Dr. Seuss character?”
Dennis: “I’m just floopy and a little loopy!”
Producer Smurf: “Smurf me something I don’t already smurf, Dennis.”
Dennis: “I got some light sedation for the X-Ray station, and while I’m mellow they said hey nice fellow, how about some laser blips to help your hips?”
Producer Smurf: “For the love of smurf! Stop smurfing like that! This is not a Baz Luhrmann movie or a ‘Fresh Prince’ video!”

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Producer Smurf: “Anyway I need you to smurf back to campaign HQ. We’ve got damage control to do.”
Dennis: “So now it is your time to rhyme?”
Producer Smurf: “Don’t make me get Papa Smurf.”
Dennis: “Fine, but I’m keeping the goggles.”

Later …

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Spicoli: “Whoa, dude! Nice shades! Have a late night, did you? I know the feeling!”
Producer Smurf: “Dennis, that press conference was a disaster. We need to smurf out ahead of these stories.”
Dennis: “What stories?”
Spicoli: “Hey, wait. You haven’t been getting into my stuff, have you?”
Producer Smurf: “Well let’s recap, Dennis. Your verminous running mate threatened to smurf a bunch of reporters. Your computers were smurfed by a hacker in a Guy Fawkes mask, who revealed that your heart is not smurfy, not smurfy at all. You cravenly and immediately surrendered to invading aliens who don’t even exist. Smurf your pick!”
Possum: “HISSS! Stop calling me vermin!”
Mouse: “Actually it was a Guy Fawkes as Captain America mask, if we want to be accurate.”
Producer Smurf: “This is a political campaign. ‘Accurate’ is the last thing we want to smurf.”
Mouse: “Maybe the hacker is concerned for Dennis’s health and well-being and is trying to force him out of the race for his own good.”
Producer Smurf: “Pffft! Dennis’s health and well-being? What about my reality TV deal? Where’s the concern for that?”

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Producer Smurf: “Well, Dennis? What do you have to smurf for yourself?”

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Spicoli: “Yo! Gary Johnson! Is it a coincidence that you’re hanging around backstage at Dennis’s press conference, and the next thing I know all the plastic bags in my treat jar are empty?”
Gary Johnson: “It totally is, dude.”
Dennis: “I pick the story about the―”
Producer Smurf: “You don’t actually get to smurf your pick, Dennis!”

Later …

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Dennis: “Thanks for coming. I’d like to take some time to talk about what happened at my last press conference …”
Reporter: “Dennis! What’s with the goggles? Are you expressing solidarity with the four US swimmers?”
Dennis: “Uh, sure, anyone who has to go in the water has my sympathy. I hate baths.”

Soon …

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Newspaper Clipping: “Furry Party Presidential candidate Dennis the Vizsla said in remarks today that he supports the four US swimmers involved in the armed robbery scandal at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics. Mr. Vizsla stated his sympathy for anyone who has to get in the water, an apparent reference to the difficulties the Rio Olympics has experienced with trash and effluent in Olympic venues and green water in one of the pools. Mr. Vizsla further opined that he hates baths and that no one should take them, and began to demonstrate his preferred method of personal hygiene. He was then dragged off the stage by a smurf amid a cloud of profanity.”

14 thoughts on “Strategery

  1. He “began to demonstrate his preferred method of personal hygiene” – hahahaha. Also love the Baz Lurhmann line. What a riot. And you wear those goggles well, Dennis! Who’s cooler than you?? No one!

    Like

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