Damage Control


Newspaper Clipping: “Furry Party Campaign In Disarray As Infighting Continues

The longshot fifth-party cam- paign of Dennis the Vizsla’s Furry Party was thrown into turmoil this week as Dennis’s long-time campaign manager Producer Smurf clashed with new adviser Vizzini the Sicilian and Vizzini’s cat. Meanwhile, Furry vice-presidential candidate Vermin, going off-message, claims that she and the candidate are being stalked by evil clowns.”

At Furry Party Campaign HQ …


Gargamel: “So, Dennis, if you’re ready to drop out of the race, I have some papers right here waiting for your paw print.”
Dennis: “Well, do I still have a shot at winning the election? That $400,000 salary will buy a lot of kibble.”
Spicoli: “Ha ha ha ha ‘still’.  *SNORT*”
Mr. Nibbles: “Don’t forget all the good you could do for the country, Dennis!”
Dennis: “Uhh, sure, once the money starts rolling in, I could spot everyone a few bucks.”
Mouse: “Pssst. Patches. Those are the wrong papers.”

Meanwhile,  in the mainstream media …


TV Host: “I’m here with Furry Party vice-presidential candidate Vermin, who claims that the campaign is being harassed by evil clowns.”
Opossum: “HISSS! Nasty talking head guy! It’s not a claim! It’s a fact! The creepy clowns will kill us all!”
TV Host: “Ha ha ha super. To provide an opposing point of view, here is Jojo the Evil Clown, who says that killer clowns are just misunderstood.”


TV Host 1: “We’re here with Producer Smurf, the former manager of the Furry Party campaign―”
Profucer Smurf: “Whoa hold on! I’m still Dennis’s campaign manager! I just need to smurf Gargamel and Azrael out of there and then things will smurf back on track!”
TV Host 2: “You continue to assert that Dennis’s new consultant is planning to cook you and eat you?”
Producer Smurf: “Either that or smurf gold out of me. He can’t smurf up his mind if we’re food or money.”
TV Host 3: “If he turns you into gold, will you be used to help fund Dennis’s campaign?”
Producer Smurf: “Nobody’s smurfing this smurf into gold, buddy!”

Back at Furry Party HQ …dennis_papers_2

Gargamel: “Anything can happen between now and Election Day, Dennis, but I’d suggest putting your paw print on the papers to drop out. Producer Smurf and Vermin have been talking to the mainstream media and thanks to them you can expect to be asked some awkward questions.”
Dennis: “What sort of questions … ?”
Spicoli: “Dude, if you don’t want those papers, I’ll take them.”
Mr. Nibbles: “‘Skunk Brand’?”
Gary Johnson: “I call dibs on the box!”
Spicoli: “Gary Johnson! Don’t you have your own campaign HQ to hang out in?!”
Mouse: “Pssst. Patches. Still the wrong papers.”

Soon …


Newspaper Clipping: “The Federal Election Commission today announced an investigation into the Furry Party and its candidates, Dennis the Vizsla and Vermin the Opossum, in the wake of shocking allegations that the campaign was being funded by the illicit conversion of staff members into gold. Authorities and South Carolina and elsewhere are also looking into the possibility that the campaign has orchestrated a recent rash of evil clown sightings in what one investigator described as ‘the most hamfisted attempt at viral marketing I’ve ever seen’. When reached for comment about these stories, Mr. Vizsla, apparently misinterpreting our inquiry, stated that he would be happy to take whatever gold we were willing to give him. He then screamed ‘Aaaiiieee!’ after being shown a picture of the evil clowns and retreated to hide in his Dada’s closet.”

11 thoughts on “Damage Control

  1. We’re still puzzling over the moose growth numbers. Who knew the Chinese had such a lock on the Asian moose market? And are Moose in Space like Pigs in Space? Just wondering…. BTW, Dennis, very clever of you to notice that Dennis and tennis sound alike! 😉

    *kissey face*
    -Fiona and Abby the Hippobottomus


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