The Great Debate (Prep)


Producer Smurf: “All right, pretend candidates! I am now going to smurf you a selection of questions chosen from those smurfed by the public to the web site presidentialopenquestions.comIs everybody ready?”
Dennis: “Why does my mic say ‘Fisher-Price’ on it?”
Paula: “I’ll take ‘Potpourri’ for $1000, Alex.”
Simon: “Paula, that is not Alex Trebek, and this is not ‘Jeopardy’.”
Paula: “Are you sure this isn’t ‘Jeopardy’? Have you seen who’s running for President?”
Simon: “Fair enough. But for the love of all that’s holy, please, start at the top of the category and work your way down.”

Meanhwhile, somewhere in Australia …


Vladimir Putin (to hacker on phone): “You will gain access to this so-called ‘presidentialopenquestions’ site and improve the questions, yes?”
Hacker: “Of course, Lord Putin.”
Vladimir Putin: “Excellent. Also, please email the Kremlin chefs and advise them we will be feasting upon vodka-battered crocodile fritters tonight.”

Back at Furry Party HQ …


Producer Smurf: “All right!  First question!  ‘Do you believe that we should be putting more money into our parks?'”
Paula: “I thought you put money into banks …”
Dennis: “Our parks have money in them? Does that include dog parks? If I dig it up, do I get to keep it? Why didn’t anyone tell me this?”
Simon: “Absolutely. If by ‘parks’ you mean ‘Simon’s pockets’.”


Producer Smurf: “Next question! ‘What are your plans to support environmentaly friendly agriculture?'”
Paula: “I recycle the containers of Gatorade that I use to water my garden.”
Simon: “Paula, I’ve told you before, ‘Idiocracy’ is not a how-to guide to caring for plants.”
Dennis: “I’ll put Spicoli in charge. He’s always got some kind of agricultural project going on.”
Spicoli: “One word, dude: Hydroponics.”
Gary Johnson: “I agree with Spicoli!”
Spicoli: “Gary Johnson! Dude! Don’t you have a home?!”


Producer Smurf: “Next question! ‘Would you consider repealing the Electoral College?'”
Paula: “Well, college may not be for everyone, but I’m not sure it’s really up to the President to repeal a particular school.”
Dennis: “I don’t know anyone who’s ever gone to the Electoral College. How does it even stay in business?”
Simon: “I’ll take ‘I’m Surrounded By Idiots’ for $2,000, Alex.”


Producer Smurf: “Next question! ‘Some say that Vladimir Putin is more macho than everyone except Chuck Norris, while others say that Vladimir Putin is more macho than everyone. What do you say?'”
Chuck Norris: “Consider your answer very carefully.”
Paula: “Chuck Norris. Definitely Chuck Norris.”
Dennis: “Chuck Norris has a nicer hat, that’s for sure.”
Simon: “Can someone please explain to me this American obsession with Chuck Norris?”

One Roundhouse Kick Later …


Newspaper Clipping: “Television host and impresario Simon Cowell, who had been helping prepare Furry Party candidate Dennis the Vizsla Dog for the upcoming Presidential debate, was reportedly hospitalized today after suffering what was described as a ‘boot upside the head’ injury during a mock debate session. It is unclear exactly how the boot, which was estimated to be traveling at roughly the speed of sound, made contact with Mr. Cowell’s head; eyewitnesses claim to have seen absolutely nothing when the incident occurred, and both the video and audio feeds are reported to have mysteriously cut out at that exact moment. Mr. Vizsla, who was sporting a cowboy hat instead of his usual fedora, stated that some sort of equipment failure was involved, but refused to take questions from the press, indicating that there was a problem with the microphones in the press room.”

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