The Great Debate Begins


Opossum: “HISSS! Nasty Presidential Debate Committee can’t even fulfill a simple request for a bowl of mealworms in the green room! I kill them. I kill them all!”
Dennis: “Why do they call it the green room, anyway? It’s not green. It’s more of a taupe.”
Producer Smurf: “Dennis! Let’s get a smurf on! It’s time for the debate!”
Mr. Nibbles: “You’ve got this, Mr. Dennis! Just be your lovable furry self!”
Mouse: “Dennis, it’s not too late to withdraw from the debate and go home and take a nap.”
Spicoli: <noisily drinking from toilet>

Meanwhile, somewhere in orbit …


Russian Hacker (on phone): “Lord Putin, the American debate is about to start. We have planted agents in the audience as per your request.”
Vladimir Putin: “Excellent. Instruct them to cause the debate to be delayed until my rocket lands.”
Russian Hacker: “Of course, Lord Putin. Forgive me, Lord Putin, but why are you in a rocket?”
Vladimir Putin: “I flew up to the space station to pick up a bottle from my cache of extra special super-chilled vodka. We will be playing the debate drinking game in the Kremlin tonight. Not even I will be able to stand to watch this when I am sober.”

Back at the debate venue …


Moderator: “It’s wonderful to see such high international turnout for tonight’s event, but I would request that all attendees take a seat in one of the designated viewer sections.”




Moderator: “Seriously, I need you all to go sit down. For security reasons, the Secret Service will not allow the other candidates to come out until the stage has been cleared.”
Dennis: “Hey, how come the Secret Service let me come out, then?”




Russian Hacker (over loudspeaker): “Attention Russian Nesting Dolls: The bear is in the cave with his vodka. Repeat, the bear is in the cave with his vodka.”


Mouse: “Do you not find it the slightest bit odd that your debate has been crashed by a horde of Russian nesting dolls who apparently take instructions from your own PA system?”
Moderator: “Nothing surprises me this election cycle. Including dogs and mice that talk. Now let’s begin with opening statements from the candidates.”
Donald Trump: “This setup is totally rigged. Totally. All the dog has to do is wag his tail and everyone will say how cute he is and he won the debate. And mark my words, the moderator will let him get away with it.”
Hillary Clinton: “I’d just like to remind everyone that being cute and wagging your tail is no substitute for policy experience.”
Dennis: “Woof.” <wags tail>
Donald Trump: “You see? He’s doing it already. Shameful, just so very shameful.”

12 thoughts on “The Great Debate Begins

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