Die Hard With Opossum


Norman #1: “I disabled the wi-fi Norman.”
Norman #2:”Good work, Norman.”
Ron Burgundy: “This situation has gotten very, very serious.”
Producer Smurf: “No smurfing, really?”
Ron Burgundy: “Yes. I can’t post to Instagram or Twitter or live-stream to Facebook.”
Mouse: “Say, who’s the new ninja hedgehog?”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “That’s Norman. He has a cannon on his head.”
Mouse: “Really? Are you sure he didn’t just get his face stuck in a toilet paper roll?”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “Silence!”
Opossum (thinking from inside air shaft): “HISSS! Come to the coast, there’ll be a debate, we’ll have a few laughs …”


Secret Service #1 (over earpiece): “Vice-Presidential candidate Vermin? This is the Secret Service. Do you copy? Over.”
Opossum: “HISSS! Nasty liars! If you’re the ‘Secret’ Service, why are you telling me who you are? And stop calling me ‘Vermin’ or I kill you! I kill you all!”
Secret Service #2: “Yeah, I’d say she copies …”


Secret Service #1: “This channel is completely secure, Verm―uh, Ms. Vice-Presidential candidate.”
Opossum:  “HISSS! Yeah, sure it is! Why are you bothering me, anyway?”
Secret Service #1: “The terrorists who are holding Dennis and the others hostage have disabled the wi-fi and video in the auditorium. We need you to go back to the air vent grate and be our eyes and ears.”
Opossum: “HISSS! Why would I want to do that? I like it here. There are cobwebs full of delicious spiders.”
Secret Service #2: “Don’t you want to help rescue your running mate and all your friends?”



Secret Service #1: “Vermin? We’re having trouble reading you. There’s some sort of echoing interference.”
Secret Service #2: “I think that’s hysterical laughter.”

Meanwhile …


Russian Hacker: “Lord Putin? We are picking up transmissions from the American Secret Service. They are attempting to use the opossum to defuse the hostage situation we created.”
Vladimir Putin: “I am on my way to deal with it personally. This American super-hero Spiderman has been irritating me. You will drain his bank account and divert the money to mine.”
Russian Hacker (typing): “Done, Lord Putin! Your net worth has increased from $100 billion to $100 billion 87 cents.”
Vladimir Putin (slight pause): “I see. Please send Iron Man to fight me, then hack HIS bank account.”
Spider-man: “AAAAIIIEEE!”

Soon …


The Daily Bugle Article: “Inside sources tell the Daily Bugle that Spider-Man, the so-called hero, is in fact a rabid Vladimir Putin supporter who has donated his entire fortune to the Russian strongman, helping to bankroll hacking and related nefarious activities. The wall-crawler could not be reached for comment. In other news, the terrorists holding Furry Party candidate Dennis the Vizsla released their demands, which include a ransom of $100 million, payable in mealworms.”


13 thoughts on “Die Hard With Opossum

  1. Dennis the VIszla, your stories are almost too exciting for a humble and simple cat. Do you know, Dennis, that Mr. Putin lives behind our eastern border and Finland was a part os Russia until the year 1917, when they gave us our independency, no war at all, but the Finns started a terrible war agains each other, the reason was , of course, who gets the power.
    a cat in faraway Finland.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Dennis, I think this may have gotten a bit out of control….maybe we can get Angel Trixie down here?? On the upside, Mama says thank you for the much needed Sunday giggles!


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