Secret Agent Marsupial


Secret Service Agent #1: “Okay, Vermin, here’s the deal. You help us defuse the hostage situation, and we’ll give you the mealworms that the ninja hedgehog terrorists think we’re giving them.”
Opossum: “HISSSS! Now you’re talking! But stop calling me Vermin!”
Secret Service Agent #2: “Would you prefer that we call you by your Secret Service code name?”
Opossum: “Ooh! I have a code name? What is it?”
Secret Service Agent #2: “‘Varmint.'”


Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “All right, move along to the stairs! We’re going to the roof!”
Ron Burgundy: “But the roof is windy. It might muss up my hair.”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “So might getting blasted by Norman the Cannon!”
Mouse: “Every time I think this election couldn’t possibly get more ridiculous, it does.”
Spicoli: “Dude, maybe we’re the problem.”
Mouse: “Mmm, no, it’s them.”
Opossum: “HISSS! This is Secret Agent Double-O Varmint! The hostages are being herded up to the roof. I am in pursuit. Over.”
Secret Service Agent #1: “Varmint! Negative! Do not pursue! Over.”
Secret Service Agent #2: “You’re not really a secret agent, Varmint, and you’re certainly not a Double-O. Over.”
Opossum: “HISS! I can’t hear you! Too much static! Hiss crackle!
Dennis (thinking): “Is it my imagination or is that air vent talking?”


Dennis: “What are we doing up here, exactly?”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “We’re waiting for a hefty ransom to be delivered. In mealworms.”
Norman #1: “I thought we were trying to tip the election towards Lord Putin’s fav(obscured) cand(obscured).”
Norman #2: “Shhh.”
Opossum: “HISSS! Secret Agent Double-O Varmint here! I have a plan to rescue the hostages by converting this ventilation fan into a helicopter gun ship. Over.”
Secret Service Agent #1: “Varmint! Negative! No helicopter gun ships! Do you copy?”
Ron Burgundy (thinking): “I was worried for nothing. The wind up here is no match for my Aqua-Net.”


Secret Service Agent #1: “What are those squeaking noises? What is she doing up there?”
Secret Service Agent #2: “Varmint? Mission abort! Repeat, abort!”
Opossum: “HISS! La la la la! Can’t hear you!”
Dennis: “You’ll never get away with this!”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “Pffft! Who’s going to stop us? You?”
Russian Hacker: “Lord Putin, as you commanded, we have arranged for a news copter to observe the events on the rooftop.”
Vladimir Putin: “Excellent. The dog will soon be a hero to these foolish Americans.”
Opossum: “Hey, stupid Norman with a tube on your head! Come here! I have a mealworm for you!”


Opossum: “HISSS! Go, go, Possum Copter!”
Norman the Cannon: “Aaaiiiieeee!”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “Hey, she’s got Norman the Cannon!”
Ninja Hedgehog #1: “Uh oh! I hope she doesn’t tickle Norman’s belly!”
Russian Hacker: “Lord Putin, we may have a situation …”

Suddenly …


Ninja Hedgehog #2: “She did.”
Vladimir Putin: “AAAAAIIIIEEEE! A giant roly-poly! My one weakness!”

A Few Days Later …


Newspaper Clipping: “In a shocking last-minute twist to an already unprecedented election season, Furry Party Vice-Presidential candidate Vermin became an instant hero after rescuing Dennis the Vizsla, Ron Burgundy, and assorted hangers-on from ninja hedgehogs and simultaneously defeating invincible Russian strongman Vladimir Putin. Vermin then went on to sweep the Electoral College, becoming the first female, first non-human, and, indeed, first candidate ever to win both the Presidency and Vice-Presidency in a single year.  Vermin has pledged that with her mandate, her first 100 days will be like nothing the country has ever seen.”

And Then, Blessed Relief … Or Is It???




Mouse: “Are you all right? You were whimpering in your sleep and now you look even more freaked out than usual.”
Dennis: “I had a horrible nightmare that I ran for President and kept making stupid mistakes, and then after the debate we were all taken hostage by ninja hedgehogs who were working for Vladimir Putin, and then the opossum took Putin out with a giant roly-poly cannon, and then she was elected President and Vice-President at the same time.”
Opossum: “HISSS! What kind of crazy dream is that? If I had a giant roly-poly I would eat it, not waste it on Vladimir Putin!”Mouse: “Are you sure you weren’t just watching coverage of the actual election?”
Producer Smurf: “Ha ha ha! President? You? Are you going to smurf yourself the Furry Party? Ha ha ha! Who are you going to smurf for a running mate? The possum? Ha ha ha!”
Spicoli (off-screen): “Gary Johnson! Dude! Get out of my room!”

13 thoughts on “Secret Agent Marsupial

  1. Just a dream???? Are you sure it doesn’t qualify for the term nightmare??? At least that’s what Mom and Dad say the human national election is!

    Happy Sunday.

    Woos – Lightning and Misty


  2. Mee-you what did you eat befur bedtime Dennis???? That iss one scarey dreem…**shuddersss**
    Mee hopess there will bee no more reepeetss of that….
    ~~head rubsss~~ Siddhartha Henry~~


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