Gollumic Pentameter

Smeagol: “I, Smeagol, declare that this poetry slam is on. Your first poem must be in Gollumic pentameter.”
Charlee: “Gollumic pentameter?”
Chaplin: “I don’t think that’s even a thing.”
Smeagol: “It might not be a thing on the surface, but it’s all the rage at Club Smeagol.”
Spicoli: “Why does the weird dude get to decide what kind of poem they do?”
Dennis: “I guess on account of we said he could be the judge.”
Mouse: “What have you hipsters gotten us into?!”

Gollum: “Gollum eats fish / Gollum eats frogs / Gollum eats mice / Gollum eats dogs / Gollum eats cats / And then their hats / Gollum Gollum”
Chaplin: “That’s not even a poem. That’s just your name and a list of things you eat.”
Dennis: “He eats dogs?!”
Spicoli: “I’m sure he means hot dogs, dude.”
Vermin: “HISSS! You know what’s not on that list? Possums! Ha ha ha!”
Mouse: “What are you gloating about, Vermin? Aren’t you a ‘cat’?”
Vermin: “HISSS! Nasty mouse! I’m just happy for the possums is all.”

Smeagol: “Do you not have a poem in Gollumic Pentameter? If you don’t, Smeagol must award this round to Gollum.”
Charlee: “I have one! Charlee eats … uh … canned kitten food. And then Charlee eats, uh, more canned kitten food …”
Smeagol: “Smeagol sad to inform you that is not Gollumic Pentameter. This round goes to Gollum. Your next poem must be a Gollumlet.”
Chaplin: “A what?”

Gollum: “Gollum Gollum Gollum / Gollum Gollum Gollum”
Chaplin: “That’s just your name a bunch of times!”

Smeagol: “That is what a Gollumlet is. Smeagol thought you kitties said you knew about poetry.”
Charlee: “Charlee Charlee Charlee / Charlee Charlee Charlee”
Smeagol: “That is a good try but it is not a Gollumlet. In a Gollumlet the name you use must be ‘Gollum’.”
Charlee: “Well fine. Gollum Gollum Gollum / Gollum Gollum Gollum”
Smeagol: “Smeagol is sorry but he must award this round to Gollum on account of your blatant plagiarism of Gollum’s Gollumlet.”
Dennis: “This doesn’t seem to be going very well.”
Vermin: “HISS! Seems to be going fine to me! Ha ha ha!”
Smeagol: “Your final poem must be a Gollumerick.”
Mouse: “Let me guess. All the lines have to rhyme with ‘Gollum’.”
Chaplin: “That’s ridiculous. Nothing rhymes with ‘Gollum’.”

Gollum: “There once was a creature named Gollum / Whose cave was quite empty and solemn / ‘Til some dogs and some cats / In sunglasses and hats / Showed up in the ‘For Dinner’ column.”
Mouse: “You were saying … ?”

13 thoughts on “Gollumic Pentameter

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