It is of course common knowledge that Dennis the Vizsla is permanently on the “Naughty” list. But what some of Dennis’s newer nice readers may not be aware of is exactly how he got on the “Naughty” list in the first place, way back in the mythical year 2009. Well, it’s a long story. And as so many long stories do where someone ends up on the “Naughty” list, this one starts with spiked eggnog …
Day One: The Expose
hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog hay yoo may hav herd of the faymus toy delivrer wot goze by the naym of sandy klawz and is nown for kliming down chimnees wile kerrying prezzents however is this the reel story or is it all just publik relayshuns??? reesently i hav had sum first hand ekspeeryense of sandy klawz and wot i hav fownd may shok yoo chek it owt!!!
now i hav to warn yoo sum of the pikchers yoo ar abowt to see may shok yoo so enny small children or those with delikat konstitooshuns shud run away now!!! ok now that tucker has left the room ha ha lets start revyooing the evidense!!!
now i no wot yoo ar thinking yoo ar thinking hay dennis maybe sandy klawz is just tired and resting up for his big nite of driving raindeer arownd but i am afrayd that theez nekst pikchers wil put that ideea to rest!!!
as yoo can see this so calld jollee old elf and bringer of toys is in fakt an eggnog swilling hard parteeing animal wot partees hard like an animal!!! and not only that but he didnt bring enny toys for me!!! but not to wurry i hav ben interrogating him and ekspekt him to krak at enny minnit and reveel ware the toys are hiddin!!!
trust me i wil git the inside skoop frum sandy klawz verry soon and then i wil shayr his stash of toys with all my frends!!! ha ha ok bye
Day Two: A Strongly Worded Letter
Trouble: “You big clumsy dogs got a letter by overnight courier.”
Trixie: “This can’t be good …”
Tucker: “Maybe it’s plane tickets so Dennis can take a sabbatical in Nepal for five or six years.”
Dennis: “Oh boy! I’ll bet it’s the money the bankers said they would send me!”
Trixie: “So what does it say?”
Dennis: “It says, ‘Dear Dennis, it has come to our attention that you have posted unflattering pictures of Santa Claus on your blog. Therefore, we have no choice but to put you on the Naughty list indefinitely.'”
Tucker: “Ha ha ha ha ha! Dennis is on the Naughty list!”
Dennis: “Wait, there’s more on the other side …”
Dennis: “The other side says, ‘Furthermore, because we can’t tell you vizsla dogs apart, we are also putting your brother Tucker on the Naughty list, so that you do not inadvertently receive any presents that may have been intended for him.'”
Trouble: “Ha ha ha! You big clumsy dogs aren’t getting any presents this year!”
Tucker: “What?! This is an outrage! I demand my presents!”
Dennis: “Wait, there’s another page.”
Dennis: “The last page says, ‘Trouble, it’s not nice to gloat at the misfortune of others. You are also being put on the Naughty list. Trixie, you are a good girl. Warmest regards, Santa Claus.”
Trixie: “I like this Santa Claus fellow!”
Tucker: “Wow, he really does know if we’ve been bad or good …”
Trouble: “What?! This is an outrage!”
Day Three: The Plan
Trouble: “This ‘Naughty’ list outrage cannot be permitted to stand. We need to do something to get back on the ‘Nice’ list.”
Dennis: “You mean like apoologize to Santa and start behaving better?”
Trouble: “Ha ha ha ha! No.”
Trixie: “Why do you have your kneepads on? You’re not playing flyball today.”
Dennis: “They’re not kneepads. They’re legwarmers.”
Trixie: “Why do you need legwarmers?”
Dennis: “We’re going to the North Pole to get back on the ‘Nice’ list.”
Trixie: “Oh, you’re going to apologize to Santa in person? That might work.”
Dennis: “No, we’re going to hack is computers and change it in his database. It was Trouble’s idea. Do you want to come and help?”
Trixie: “Hmm … that sounds like the sort of thing that would get me on the ‘Naughty’ list.”
Trouble: “Let’s get a move on, you big clumsy dogs!”
Tucker: “The Magic Flying Coaster is ready to go. Is Trixie coming or not?”
Dennis: “No. She doesn’t want to get on the ‘Naughty’ list.”
Tucker: “Pffft. Trixie, this is totally a commando operation. They’ll never even know we were there.”
Trixie: “Serenity now …”
And then …
Dennis: “We have liftoff!”
Trouble: “The big clumsy fluffy dog chickened out, huh?”
Tucker: “She thinks we’ll get caught and put on the ‘Naughty’ list forever.”
Trouble: “Ha! Santa won’t even know what hit him. Trust me.”
Day Four: You’re Going The Wrong Way
Trouble: “What are we doing here? I told you big clumsy dogs to go north.”
Dennis: “The compass needle is pointing in this direction. That means it’s north, doesn’t it?”
Trouble: “Are you looking at the red side or the black side?”
Dennis: “There’s a red side?”
Trouble: “I knew we should have taken Mama’s GPS!”
Border Agent: “You three. Pull your vehicle over for inspection.”
Trouble: “Now look what you big clumsy dogs have gotten us into! Let me do all the talking!”
Trouble: “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Border Agent: “We don’t see a lot of dogs and cats traveling together unescorted on a Magic Flying Coaster.”
Trouble: “We’re on Spring Break.”
Border Agent: “But it’s winter.”
Trouble: “That means it’ll be less crowded.”
Border Agent: “Why are you wearing ski hats and goggles?”
Trouble: “We’re big fans of Bob and Doug MacKenzie.”
Border Agent: “Are you sure you don’t mean Cheech & Chong?”
Trouble: “Why do you say that?”
Border Agent: “Because we found this bag in your cat cup.”
Trouble: “I’ve never seen that bag before in my life.”
Border Agent: “It says ‘Property of Trouble the Kitty’ on the back.”
Trouble: “Oh, THAT bag. It’s for medicinal purposes.”
Bugs Bunny: “What’s up, Doc? Hey you look just like my old cellmate Dennis the Vizsla, except he didn’t wear a knit hat. Say, that reminds me of the time I met this crazy Abominable Snowman who kept calling me ‘George’ …”
Dennis: “You no hablo ingles, vacaciones.”
Bugs Bunny: <repeats himself in Spanish>
Tucker: “That was some smooth talking, Trouble.”
Trouble: “Oh, shut up.”
Day Five: A Poorly-Timed Phone Call
Machine: “We can’t come to the phne right now, leave a message. BEEP!”
Dennis: “Hello Trixie, it’s Dennis the vizsla dog. Hey listen, we accidentally went south instead of north on our way to hack Santa’s computers and we got stopped at the border and some guards found Trouble’s stash of catnip, so now we’re locked up while they get things sorted. We were wondering if you could bail us out. Hang on, Tucker wants to talk to you.”
Tucker: “Trixie, it’s Tucker. Hey, this place is great, they give us free food! It’s not good food but it’s free! Okay, here’s Trouble.”
Trouble: “Trixie, it’s Trouble. Listen, I don’t know hwere that catnip came from, but could you do me a favor and see if there might be a few more pounds of it in my box, and if so, could you bury it in the backyard for me? You’re the best big clumsy dog ever!”
Dennis: “Ha ha ha, that Trouble is such a kidder! Anyway the guard says my minute is up so I have to go but if you could get us out of here that would be great. Don’t worry, Santa will never find out you helped us! Ok bye.”
Machine: “Thank you for your call. Beep!”
Trixie: “Ha ha ha … umm … so what were we talking about before the phone rang?”
Santa: “You were just explaining why I should put your brothers and Trouble back on the ‘Nice’ list, and I was just leaving.”
Day Six: A Benefactor. With No Ulterior Motives. Nope nope.
hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog hay i am riting this frum the prizzin internet cafe and i must say it is kwite a hardship the uplode speeds ar horribul and the lines are hyoodj and peepul ar verry impayshent for there tern and their ar arbitrerry reestrikshuns on kontent but wot ar yoo going to do it is a ruff life wen yoo ar in stir!!! and i shud no i hav ben heer offen enuf thru no fawlt of my own i mite add!!!
Prisoner: “Time’s up, little man. It’s my turn to use the computer. I have to see how my stock portfolio is performing.”
Guard: “I don’t care how much you like ‘My Little Pony’, it’s on our list of banned sites.”
i can only hope that trixie soon comes thru with the bayl munny so we can git owt of heer and git bak to owr top seekret mishun of hacking santas kompyooters to git us off the nawty list!!! uh oh shhhh i think the gard is coming to owr sell!!!
Guard: “Okay you dogs and cat, your bail came through. Plus it turns out possession of catnip is not technically illegal, so we can’t charge you with anything anyway.”
Dennis: “Then why do we have to pay to get bailed out?”
Guard: “Hey, running a dungeon isn’t free you know! Besides, I’m sure you three are up to something, I just can’t figure out what.”
Bugs Bunny: “Hey Doc, what about MY bail? Has that come through yet?”
Guard: “Look, rabbit, I told you, we do not accept carrots as currency.”
sweet!!!! trixie must hav arrived with owr bayl munny!!! now the mishun can kontinyoo!!! ok bye
Dennis: “Thanks for bailing us out, Trixie, I knew you’d come through for … Hey, you’re not Trixie.”
Scrooge: “I understand you three are out to destroy Christmas. From now on you work for me. Bah, humbug.”
Day Seven: The Right Direction
Day Eight: Points North. Way, Way North.
hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog hay wel we unloded that cranky skroodj fello on a konveenyent ice floe on akkownt of all his konstant bah humbugging wuz giving us all a hedayk and sinse then we hav mayd gud time and we hav now arrived at wot we ar pritty shoor is sandy klawses villadj at the north pole chek it owt!!!
as yoo can see eeven sutch desirabul reel estayt as the villadjes at the north pole ar suffering in the kurrent reel estayt markit on akkownt of the elvs wot hav lost there jobs after mutch of sandy klawses operayshun wuz owtsorsd to china ennyway yes that is sandy klawses manshun up their beehind the wall!!! now that wall mite keep owt elvs but it is no match for a magic flying coaster!!! ha ha ha we ar silent we ar stelthy yoo wil never see us coming!!!
unfortchoonatly we did not rekkon with mrs clauses mad radar operaytor and silkwurm missul skilz
Dennis: “That’s it … Game over, man! Game over!”
Tucker: “This is a tragedy. I wasn’t finished with my In-N-Out burger yet.”
Dennis: “Yes you were. Then you ate my In-N-Out burger, and then you ate Trouble’s In-N-Out burger, and then you made a burger out of snow and pretended it was another In-N-Out Burger.”
Tucker: “I know! And I wasn’t finished eating that last one yet! And now it’s melted!”
Trouble: “Pull yourselves together, you big clumsy dogs!”
so now we ar stranded heer in the arktik withowt enny meenz of transportayshun and we hav no ideea how to git into sandy clawses manshun!!! i feer that owr mishun to hak santas kompyooters and put owrselvs bak on the nice list has bakfired dramatikly!!! or has it???
Arctic Fox: “You guys look like you could use a little help.”
Dennis: “Who are you?”
Arctic Fox: “You can call me Arctic Fox.”
Trouble: “We’re going up against Santa. What makes you think you can help us?”
but wot can wun smal foks doo aginst the military mite of sandy klaws manner??? not mutch!!!
Arctic Fox: “Because I have a tank.”
Dennis: “Ohhh, you’re THAT Arctic Fox!”
Tucker: “Hey, Trouble, his tank is bigger than yours.”
Trouble: “Size isn’t everything.”
unless that foks is the ledjenderry arktikfoks wot wunse rid antarktika of aleeens!!!! wow i think we ar abowt to see a battel royall witch wil no dowt end with me and tucker and trouble bak on the nice list!!!! ok bye
Day Nine: A Pre-Recorded “Sunday Awards and Meme Show” Interlude
hello gentle readers, this is the beautiful trixie.
i have a script here from dennis that i am supposed to use for the sunday awards and meme show, but unfortunately i can’t read it because it seems to have been written in crayon and then chewed up into a wad and spit out again, then crumpled up and used as a fetch ball. so i’m going improvise. the first award is from our friend doraz and it dates all the way back to thanksgiving. i do apologize for the big delay in posting it but dennis’s schedule has been a little hectic lately. here it is, the “you’re a blessing” award:
this award is supposed to be passed along to five of our friends. doraz gave it to her old friends, so i am going to switch it around and give it to some of my new(er) friends:
- tasneem rocks
- jammer5’s polyrant
- wild dingo (soon to be in switzerland!)
- bliss bait
- benny “the tank”
and now, if i’m reading this scrawled mess of notes correctly, it’s time to queue up another pre-recorded message from dennis.
oooookay. i have no idea what dennis is talking about, but that’s nothing new.
moving on, we have this award bestowed upon trouble by our friend pink daisy‘s kitty brother, milk:
hmm, this looks an awful lot like the dog star award that dennis got last week only with the word “kitty” superimposed over the word “doggie”, but i’m sure that won’t bother trouble the kitty any. i’m not positive who trouble would like to give this award to but i know that she has some kitty friends, for instance:
okay i guess it’s time for more of dennis’s rambling prerecorded nonsense. prepare yourselves.
ummmm … riiiiiiiight, dennis.
now, last but not least, we have a series of christmas-themed awards and memes designed by our friend the purple hatter and assembled here into a collage. if you haven’t been to visit the purple hatter lately, go check him out, as he is always coming up with new cartoons and pictures.
i think one of those pictures doesn’t apply to dennis, tucker, and trouble. figuring out which one that might be is an exercise left to the gentle reader. and that’s it for this week! i guess dennis has one more prerecorded message, so everyone put on your tinfoil hats and prepare to receive a transmission from the demented vizsla planet.
wow dennis that was a stunning recap. no really. and such an accurate prediction!
thanks everyone for watching this week’s awards and meme show. tune in next week when dennis may or may not be back from his crazy “secret” mission.
this is trixie doodles, over and out and off to stare at the hillside for a few hours.
Day Ten: Hostilities Commence
hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog hay wel we hav agreed to joyn forses with the misteeryus adventcherer and mersenerry nown as arktikfoks hoo appeerz to hav his own reezons for wanting to tayk down sandy klawz wot hav nuthing to do with the nice list or the nawty list!!!
it terns owt that in addishun to its hevvy firepowr the arktikfoks tank also sports a fully stokd refridjeraytor not to menshun snaks!!! wow arktik foks is eeven kooler then we thawt!!!
Tucker: “Hey Trouble, does your silly little cat cup tank have a fully stocked bar and refrigerator with snacks and goodies?”
Tucker: “Ha ha ha, I didn’t think so! Hey Trouble, does your silly little cat cup tank seat a dozen people?”
Tucker: “Ha ha ha, I didn’t think so! Hey Trouble, is your silly little cat cup tank armed with artillery and death rays?”
Trouble: “Yes, it is. Now shut up and bring me some of that cream I saw in the fridge.”
Tucker: “Ha ha ha, I didnt think — Umm, okay, coming up.”
now that we ar al komfortably setteld into arktik fokses limo we ar mooving owt to engaydj santa in the final battel to see hoo is and isnt going to be on the nice list this yeer!!! i think we can luk forward to lots of presents wunse this is over!!!
Dennis: “So, Arctic Fox, why are you so willing to help us take on Santa Claus?”
Arctic Fox: “I’m sure you’ve seen the white fur trim on his suit?”
Arctic Fox: “Well let’s just say I call them Harold and Maude.”
Dennis: “Ha ha ha! Those are funny names for clothes. Don’t tell anyone, but I named my favorite collar ‘Herman’.”
Arctic Fox: “They’re my grandparents.”
Dennis: “You’re descended from fur trim? Wow! Were you brought to life by a mad scientist or something? Hey, Trouble, that sounds like something you might do!”
Trouble: “Don’t drag ME into this insane conversation, Dennis.”
Tucker: “Arctic Fox, are we going to pass an In-N-Out Burger on the way to Santa’s mansion?”
Arctic Fox: “I think you vizslas have been out in the cold too long. Let me turn up the heat to warm you up and get your brains working again.”
Trouble: “It’s not the cold.”
i call shotgun!!!!
Santa Claus: “That crazy fox is back again, Ma.”
Mrs. Claus: “I already scrambled our air force, Pa.”
Dennis: “I thought the controls would be higher tech than this.”
Arctic Fox: “What did you expect? This tank is run by a Commodore 64. Now go strap in, this could get bumpy.”
ummmm i chayndjd my mind i call hiding in the bak!!! ok bye
Day Eleven: Loading … Please Wait …
Dennis: “Shouldn’t we be taking evasive action or firing lasers or something?”
Arctic Fox: “I can’t find the floppy disk with the combat program! I just had it a minute ago!”
Dennis: “Oooh a floppy disk! I love those! Can we play fetch with it?”
Arctic Fox: “What?”
Twenty Minutes Later …
Day Twelve: The United Nations Brokers A Cease-Fire
Frosty: “All right, let’s work this out. Santa, what do you want to get out of these negotiations?”
Santa: “Mr. Whiskers and I want these three to stop stalking us.”
Frosty: “And Dennis, what does your organization want?”
Dennis: “We want to get back on the ‘Nice’ list.”
Mr. Whiskers: “What kind of cat drives a tank?”
Trouble: “What kind of cat has no fur?”
Tucker: nom nom nom nom nom nom
Elf: “Ewww, he licked every single cookie!”
Santa: “According to my paperwork, you were all removed from the ‘Naughty’ list over a week ago at the request of Santa Claws, one of my district managers.”
Dennis: “Oh. How embarrassing.”
Frosty: “Well, I think we’re done here. Hey, can someone turn up the air conditioning?”
Tucker: nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
Elf: “Now he licked all the sandwiches!”
Santa: “Okay, by now! Ho ho ho! Thanks for coming! Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!”
Dennis: “Well, that was easy!”
Tucker: “Negotiating is fun! *** BURP ***”
Santa: “As soon as they’re out of the room, put them back on the ‘Naughty’ list. And prepare a press release.”
Elf: “Yes, sir.”
Day Thirteen: Coal for Christmas
And there you have it. Despite the best efforts of cool-headed mediators, tensions continue to simmer between Dennis and the North Pole, with the result being that every year, Dennis finds himself on the Naughty list, no matter how good he’s actually been. Because let’s face it. When you give a jolly old elf complete control over deciding who’s been naughty and who’s been nice, the system is just ripe for abuse.