Lo Panning Negotiations

Mr. Nibbles: “Thanks for asking me to handle these negotiations. Let’s start by setting expectations. Lo Pan, what would you like to get out of these discussions?”
Lo Pan: “I would like to get these cats off my head.”
Mr. Nibbles: “Well, that’s something we can―”
Lo Pan: “Also to marry a girl with green eyes.”
Mr. Nibbles: “I don’t think we can provide match making services―”
Lo Pan: “And to have my revenge on Jack Burton and Dennis the Vizsla! Hee hee hee!”
Mr. Nibbles: “I’m pretty sure Dennis isn’t going to agree to that last one. Also, who’s Jack Burton?”
Jack Burton: “Jack Burton. Me.”
Dennis: “Hey, Jack. Long time no see.
Jack Burton: “‘Sup, Dennis.”

Mr. Nibbles: “Dennis, you should have told me there was another stakeholder coming before we started.”
Dennis: “Stakeholders?! Aaaaiieeee! Nobody told me we were going to be fighting vampires today!”
Jack Burton: “Vampires? Bring ’em on, I say.”
Lo Pan: “Shut up, Mr. Burton!”
Mr. Nibbles: “Dennis, it’s not that kind of stake. Jack, chill out. Lo Pan, please don’t tell your negotiation partners to shut up.”

Lo Pan (sotto voce): “I’ll tell Mr. Burton to shut up if I want to. Mutter mutter.”
Mr. Nibbles: “Now then, Dennis, what would you like to get out of these negotiations?”
Dennis: “Umm, I don’t know. A cookie?”
Jack Burton: “Think bigger, Dennis. Not just one cookie. Ask for a whole plate of cookies.”
Dennis: “A whole plate of cookies!”
Vermin: “Such a manly opossum on that person’s head! I wonder if he would go out on a date with me …”

Mr. Nibbles: “Charlee and Chaplin, what would you like to get out of these negotiations?”
Charlee: “We wrote a haiku about it!”
Chaplin: “Negotiation? / For cats, the goal is simple. / Who’s up highest, wins.”
Jack Burton: “I like your new cat friends, Dennis. They don’t beat around the bush.”

Mr. Nibbles: “Okay. And finally, you, Jack Burton. What do you want out of these negotiations?”
Jack Burton: “I just want my truck back.”
Mr. Nibbles: “All right. And, um, where is your truck? Who has it?”
Jack Burton: “If I knew that, I would have it back already.”
Vermin: “Hello, handsome Jack! Would you like to come listen to a record of songs about opossums?”

Meanwhile …


Producer Smurf: “Smurfy truck. Where’d you smurf it?”
Spicoli: “Some dude abandoned it at the Panda Express. Let’s open it up and see how many pork chops it has inside.”

11 thoughts on “Lo Panning Negotiations

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