I Hired Them from the Internet

Ed Nygma: “I’m sure your wall-mounted cat gymnastics set is a lot of fun, but a proper secret lair would be underground.”
Chaplin: “Oh, underground? Why didn’t you say so?”

Ed Nygma: “Yes, this is much better. Now we can get started.”
Mouse: “Get started with what? Chaplin, who is this?”
Chaplin: “This is Ed. I hired him online to help me investigate the connections between Twitter and Batman.”
Mouse: “Why are you going to such lengths just to prove your sister is wrong about using a definite article?”
Chaplin: “Don’t get all shirty with me just because I’m using the Internet for its intended purpose.”
Mouse: “What do you think the intended purpose of the Internet is?”
Chaplin: “Well, first, cat videos, obviously. But after that, it’s for arguing.”

Mouse: “I see. So what are Ed’s qualifications for this task?”
Chaplin: “Mainly that he’s the least weird person who answered my ad.”
Mouse: “Somebody dressed all in green with leather gloves and a bowler was the least weird respondent to your ad?”
Chaplin: “Oh, yeah, you should have seen the wackos who came out of the woodwork when I said I was investigating Batman. There was a clown, some kind of Linux fanatic, a guy with a burlap sack on his head, a guy who wouldn’t stop flipping a coin and muttering, a dilettante billionaire, and a lady wearing cat ears on her head. Compared to them, this guy is the pinnacle of normality.”
Ed Nygma: “Riddle me this: Who is standing right next to you, yet being talked about as if he’s not present?”

Mouse: “I’m surprised you didn’t hire the cat-ears lady.”
Chaplin: “Well I would have but somebody else snapped her up first.”

Meanwhile …

Charlee: “Okay, I’ll scratch at the door, and when they open it, you wave the flirt pole around in front of them and we’ll see if they bat at it.”
Catwoman: “Won’t you want to bat at it yourself?”
Charlee: “Well, yes, of course, but we already know I’m a cat, so I’m the control for this experiment.”

7 thoughts on “I Hired Them from the Internet

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