CSI: The Bubble Bath

Producer Smurf: “I fail to smurf how smurfing a long bubble bath is going to smurf any mysteries or, more importantly, smurf me any material I can smurf for my smurfumentary and my smurfcast.”
Lulu: “It’s a temporary safety measure. We can’t investigate during an artillery bombardment from the base.”
Horatio Caine: “Yeah, what the dog said. Also, you might consider taking a bath in the sink. You seem to be smoldering a little.”

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Lulu’s Life Tips: You Don’t Need To Answer Questions

Hello friendlies! Lulu here, with another life tip! This time, it’s about answering questions. Or, more accurately, accusations disguised as questions. And the tip is: You don’t have to do it. Sometimes you can just wait and the situation will resolve itself without your having to admit or deny anything. This is sometimes called “pulling the Fifth”. Here’s an example:

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The First 48

Horatio Caine: “So this is where you discovered the pile of feathers?”
Lulu: “Yes, it was right over there.”
Producer Smurf: “Cut! Lulu, can you try to smurf a little more dramatically? Maybe try to smurf how traumatized you were when you found the crime scene?”
Lulu: “I wasn’t traumatized. I was just curious.”
Producer Smurf: “Not traumatized? What are you, some kind of smurfopath?”

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Outside Investigations

Lulu: “All right, if everyone is through arguing and pointing paws at each other, I need to put together a team to investigate who ate the bird, stipulating that it wasn’t me or one of the cats.”
Vermin: “HISSS! Letting yourself and the nasty cats off the hook up front? I smell a coverup!”

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Whorunit Whodunit?

Lulu: “I found this pile of feathers in the yard. No sign of the bird it came from.”
Vermin: “HISSS! That’s why you dragged us into a meeting? Because of some stupid feathers?”

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Under The Bridge Downtown

Charlee: “You’re not seriously going to go talk to that troll, are you?”
Lulu: “Sure, why wouldn’t I?”
Charlee: “Well for one thing its arms are like ten feet long and they end in giant hands with great big claws.”
Chaplin: “Pfft. Going around with its claws out all the time? Can’t even retract them? What an amateur?”
Lulu: “Ooh, yeah, you’re right. I bet it gives excellent belly rubs.”
Spicoli: “There’s got to be some kind of happy medium between Dennis-style scaredy-catness and whackadoo bravado …”
Troll: “I would like to purchase your green bin.”

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