Norman #1: “Are you a ninja?” Norman #2: “Look, I have a katana too!” Norman #1: “Have you ever considered living underground?” The Bride: “You weird little guinea pigs are messing up my cake frosting with your spines.” Spicoli: “Dude, she thinks the ninja hedgehogs are guinea pigs.” Mr. Nibbles: “ not going to correct her, friend Spicoli. Are you?” I’m Spicoli: “Ha ha ha ha ha! No.” Producer Smurf: “All right, all right, let’s try to smurf through the chaos and get to Java Bean’s breed results!”
Java Bean’s full results from Embark
can be accessed here. Now let’s get started with the breed summary!
Mama & Dada are once again batting .000 with their guesses
The breed results are:
29% Doberman Pinscher 21% Rottweiler 16.1% German Shepherd Dog 13.5% American Pit Bull Terrier 7.1% Boxer 13.3% Supermutt
Let’s have a look at the “Guess Java Bean’s Breed” poll results!
“Supermutt” grabs the top spot for correct guesses!
The Bride: “If you’re going to insist on hanging around, make yourselves useful and push that cake back over to my reception.” Norman #1: “Right away!” Norman #2: “Absolutely!” Contestant Norman: “Hey! Norman! Norman! Try to focus! You’re here to raid, not to cater!” Mouse: “There goes your cake and your coffee service.” Blue: “I’m just happy to still have all my appendages.” Java Bean: “Supermutt? I’m a Supermutt! Oh boy! Where’s my blue tights? Where’s my red cape?” Charlee: “Supermutt? We’re never going to hear the end of that one.” Chaplin: “I’ll believe he’s Supermutt when I see him on top of the cat tree.”
Now, you may be wondering what “Supermutt” means, aside from leaping tall buildings in a single bound and running faster than a speeding bullet. Basically, it seems to mean that Bean’s genetics are so jumbled, they couldn’t definitively identify his entire background.
If you think Bean’s not going to end up wearing a cape and exercising his Supermutt powers, then you haven’t been reading this blog for very long.
Let’s see what Embark has to say about the breeds that went into making Java Bean!
Strong and athletic? Check. Driving cattle? Uhh, well, driving cats, maybe. Notable intelligence? He seems to have it. Rambunctious? Oh yes!
When it comes to “Wolfiness”, as you may guess from looking at him, Java Bean does not score anywhere near the high end of the chart:
Bean is of an age to get his driver’s license. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Let’s have a look at Bean’s estimated
family tree! It’s a little more mixed up than Lulu’s, but not as mixed up as, say, the Targaryen line from “A Song of Ice and Fire”.
As with Lulu, Embark provided some guesses as to Bean’s
traits, once again hitting the mark on some of them.
Can have dark fur doesn’t mean does have dark fur. But the light fur is definitely some kind of blend of yellow and tan, with a tiny bit of black on the muzzle.
Mostly misses in here, with no discernable patterning to his fur, other than a light shoulder saddle. He does have a significant white patch on his chest.
A little closer to the mark here, as Bean is “unfurnished”, has a very short coat, and did do a lot of shedding the first time he got brushed.
This section is dead-on, as Bean has what we would consider a long muzzle for his size, a normal-length tail, normal muscling, non-blue eyes, and such prominent hind dewclaws that we call them his “velociraptor claws”. (Being both useless and almost entirely unattached, those will be getting surgically removed at the first opportunity, before they get removed by mishap.)
Contestant Norman: “NORMAN! NORMAN! Come back here! I’m telling the ninja hedgehog commander on you!” Vermin: “HISSS! You ninja hedgehogs have a discipline problem! Ha ha ha ha ha!” Java Bean: “Velociraptor claws! That must be one of my Supermutt powers! Hey, Blue, maybe we’re related!” Charlee: “Now he thinks he’s Wolverine.” Blue: “Wolverine is a Johnny-Come-Lately to the claw game.”
Despite having a “Smaller” where Lulu had an “Intermediate”, we are pretty sure at this point that Java Bean has gotten taller than her. (He does have legs for miles.)
As with Lulu, the jury is out on Bean’s altitude tolerance. He does seem to be highly food-motivated, but how much of that is genetics vs. having spent the first part of his life living on the street is a question we will never be able to answer. (Tucker’s extremely high food motivation was, of course, entirely genetic, as that dog never went hungry a day in his life.)
Now let’s have a look at Bean’s
Bean the Commoner. Also, hey look! Dachshunds!
And finally, his paternal haplotype:
TIL that there is such a thing as a “Dandie Dinmont Terrier”
One final note on The Bean’s results: We opted to test for genetic health conditions, and Embark detected a copy of a gene that puts him at increased risk for
dilated cardiomyopathy, probably as a result of his Doberman Pinscher background:
This is valuable information to have, as it means we’ll know to keep an eye out
for any symptoms of the condition.
Java Bean: “Supermutt is not worried about dilated cardiomyopathy!” Charlee: “Where’d he get that costume from already?” Chaplin: “I’m more wondering why he has a belt but no pants.”
And that’s a wrap for Java Bean’s breed results! Tune in next week for “What Went Into That Dog: Special Guest Riley Edition”!
By the way, if anyone out there is interested in getting their own dog’s genes tested, Embark sent us a link that can be used to get $50 off a kit:
This link is valid until July 20th, 2022. If it is used to purchase a kit, Embark will give us a $10 Amazon gift card, but Embark did not sponsor and is not associated with this post in any way, and would probably be
Meanwhile, in the Green Room …
Producer Smurf: “Riley, you’re smurfing up next!” Riley: “So what do I do out there, exactly?” Lulu: “Oh it’s a pretty easy gig. You just sit there while Producer Smurf does all the work. And I use the term ‘work’ loosely.” Stagehand: “Producer Smurf! One of the stage lights just blew!” Java Bean: “Dios! A light has blown up? This sounds like a job for Supermutt!” Spicoli: “You may be Supermutt, dude, but you still don’t have thumbs.”