A Mystery

Hello, what have we here?  I don’t believe I’ve ever seen this fellow before.

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My Wife Went To A Party And All I Got Were These Lousy Instructions

So you know how when you go away for a few days, if you’re lucky enough to have someone come in and take care of your animals while you’re gone, you might leave them some instructions about what and how much to feed them, what pills to give them, etc.?  Well, my wife is attending a birthday party this evening for a coworker, and evidently our dogs get such customized cuisine that I need instructions for feeding them.

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dadas draggin buk is owt

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog hay dada has askd me to tell yoo that his draggin buk is owt now at lulu and it shood be at the other buk sites sum time this summer i am not shoor what this buk is abowt but sinse its a draggin buk it is probly the story of a driver at a traktor pull hoo overkums grate odds to win or it mite be abowt dogs hoo hav to pull a sled thru the snow or maybe its abowt sumbuddy hoo cant get owt of bed in the morning hmm i am pretty shoor it is the traktor pull wun tho

hang on it luks like dada is trying to tell me sumthing … uh huh … uh huh … oh its a dragon buk thats sumthing kumpleetly diffrent jeez dada why didnt yoo say that in the furst place onestly i dont no how yoo ekspekt me to do publisity for yoo wen yoo dont giv me the korrekt informashun well ennyway i still think it mite be abowt a traktor pull no matter wot dada sez ok bye

intervyoo with the gofer part too

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog wow its hard to find a ham sandwich heer in the mithical land of sweedin it seems like all they have is theez meetballs in weerd sawse and porridj and sinse the gofer insisted that tucker had to hav a ham sandwich befor it wood tawk i had to hav the staff at my pig powders bizness send us a ham sandwich by fedex it shood be heer soon so the gofer has agreed to anser owr kweschuns now as yoozhual tucker will translayt the gofers ansers and trixie will intimidayt him ok heer goze
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Compound It!

I mentioned a while ago that we had laid in a supply of enulose for Trouble, who has been having difficulty with her, um, regularity the last few months.  This has caused her to get dehydrated a couple of times, resulting in days spent at the vet with a tube in her poor little arm, so we have been trying to treat her prophylactically by giving her a dose now and then before she gets too plugged up.  (We can tell when she is getting constipated because she goes in her litter box, cries for a little while, and exits without leaving a deposit.  When this happens, out comes the eyedropper.  Getting old ain’t pretty, even for a cat.)

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Who Does Your Hair?

Trouble enjoys a $750 visit from the stylist during her brief tenure as head of Dennis’s Pig Powders

intervyoo with the gofer part wun

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog well as i menshund erlier tuffy sissy and jonesy cawt a gofer before we had to abandon the gofer broke undergrownd we are now reddy to begin the int … interr … begin asking this gofer sum kweschuns to find owt what he and his littel frends ar up i will ask the kweschuns and tucker the protocol dog will translate and trixie will stand by luking intimidayting ok heer goze

Dennis: okay gofer what were yoo doing in those tunnels
Gopher: kØaàT´@¬µŠ<?4AwÝ7Gpu
Tucker: “Before we start, I think you should give the protocol dog a pig ear or possibly a ham sandwich.”
Trixie: tucker, is that really what he said?
Tucker: Yes, of course.
Trixie: because i’m not sure i believe the gopher cares whether or not you get a ham sandwich.
Tucker: Excuse me, I’m a professional protocol dog. I’ve been wearing this C3PO outfit for a week.
Gopher: Nñ¡f[pšZ—·‰œWꁅ/ÊI1Ûp]õ›ò
Tucker: He says he won’t talk until I … that is, the protocol dog gets a sandwich.
Dennis: ok fine sumbuddy get tucker a ham sandwich and well start ovur aftur he eets jeeperz gofer yoo ar a tuff negoshiator
Trixie: (shakes head in disbelief) why do i even bother?

Dennis vs. The Elevator

So today we took Tucker to the veterinary chiropractor, because he’s been stiff and twitchy since his adventures at Fiesta Island last week.  (It turns out he had nearly luxated his patella, which can evidently require surgery to repair if a luxation actually occurs.  He won’t need surgery, although he’s definitely a little sore down there.  Tucker got his revenge on the chiropractor by farting right in her face while she was working on him.)

As per usual, Dennis came along for the ride, but this time he got more of a ride than he bargained for.

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I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY BUT IT WASN’T MY FAULT

HELLO SERVANTS, THIS IS TROUBLE THE KITTY. WE HERE AT DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS ARE EVER SO THRILLED TO SEE THAT OUR BELOVED FOUNDER AND HIS BRAVE CREW HAVE SURFACED IN, EVIDENTLY, COASTAL SWEDEN. I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE GOFER BROKE WAS LAUNCHED AND WHY IT’S NOT REALLY MY FAULT THAT THE SHIP WAS LOST UNDERGROUND FOR NEARLY A WEEK.

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bork bork bork

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog well the roomers are troo we are bak on the surfis of the erth thanks to b3’s wurk on the flux capacitor rio rocket wuz abel to get enuf power to the life pod to tunnel owr way back to the surfas we came owt on a rocky beech wuns abuv grownd tuffy the enjinner wuz abel to revers the effekts of the min … mini … the shrink ray yoozing the enjines in the life pod and sum parts taken from the flux capacitor and he restord us to full size i think maybe he made himself a littel bigger than he wuz orijinally but he ernd it

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ANNOUNCEMENT

HELLO SERVANTS THIS IS TROUBLE THE KITTY. IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME FEEL THAT WE HERE AT TROUBLE’S PIG POWD … UMMM, I MEAN, DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS ARE NOT DOING ALL WE CAN TO FIND THE GOFER BROKE AND ITS CREW AFTER THE TRAGIC AND UTTERLY RANDOM ACCIDENT THAT OCCURRED DURING THE COMPLETELY SABOTAGE-FREE LAUNCH OF THE SHIP. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. IN FACT, WE HERE AT TROUB … DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS HAVE PRINTED UP LITERALLY ALMOST A DOZEN FLIERS, WHICH WE ARE ROLLING UP AND STUFFING DOWN GOPHER HOLES THROUGHOUT THE VICINITY OF THE FRONT LAWN OF OUR HEADQUARTERS. WE ARE QUITE SURE THAT THESE FLIERS WILL ENSURE THE SAFE RETURN OF OUR BRAVE CREW.

HERE IS A COPY OF THE FLIER. FEEL FREE TO LOOK AT IT. OF COURSE OUR LAWYERS SAY THAT DUE TO DMCA RESTRICTIONS IT IS ILLEGAL TO DOWNLOAD, PRINT, PHOTOCOPY, OR OTHERWISE REPRODUCE THIS MATERIAL. HOWEVER WE WILL BE HAPPY TO SEND COPIES OF THE FLIER TO ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO STUFF ONE DOWN A GOPHER HOLE. PLEASE SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE AND $100 PER COPY YOU WOULD LIKE (TO COVER PRINTING COSTS) TO MY ATTENTION AT TR … DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS HEADQUARTERS. OUR ADDRESS IS PRINTED ON THE BOTTOM OF EVERY CAN OF PIG POWDER WE SELL SO I’M SURE YOU HAVE IT ALREADY.

PURR PURR PURR.

ennybody owt there?

hello nice reederz its dennis the vizsla dog i hope this message gets thru from the gofer tunnels hunter thinks he has the radio wurking so i am transmitting this in hopes sumwun can heer it i am heer on the gofer broke with the rest of the kroo sumware undergrownd trouble the kitty sabotaged our compyooters so we ar not shoor ware we ar buster the sientific vizsla is wurking on fixing up the enjins so they get us to the mithical sitty of stokholm ware he hopes to get sumthing calld a noble prize if he gets us their he shoor deservs wun meenwile tuffy the enjineer has rooted owt all the viruses in the compyooter sistem and jonesy, tinky, and sissie have the drone owt looking for sines of gofer aktivity in the visinity nuthing yet tho just sum old nibbled weeds but ennyway thats not wot reely worriez me see the problem is we dont have enny extra yooniforms so the only wun for me to ware is a red wun and we all no wot happens to kroo members hoo ware red yooniforms

oh be kwiet yoo silly protocol dog

hay did ennybuddy happen to bring sum fabric dye along on this trip?

OOPSIE

HELLO SERVANTS THIS IS TROUBLE THE CAT. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THERE’S BEEN SOME SORT OF UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT AT THE GOFER BROKE LAUNCH:

THIS IS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY FOR ALL CONCERNED; IT WOULD SEEM THAT ALL THREE OF THE DOGS WHO USED TO LIVE HERE HAVE BEEN LOST UNDERGROUND. WHAT A SAD DAY. AS PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR AND RANKING NON-LOST-UNDERGROUND BOARD MEMBER OF DENNIS’S PIG POWDERS, I WILL NOW ASSUME CONTROL OF THE COMPANY.

IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I’LL BE LOUNGING ON THE DOG-FREE COUCH … PURR PURR PURR …

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