So it’s been like three days and Dennis hasn’t destroyed anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Well, he tore up one issue of Newsweek, but it was the “1968” issue so what can you expect? Dennis doesn’t like hippies and 1968 was crawling with them. Or so I’m told. I wasn’t actually around then. (My brother was, though. He’s older than me. Tee-hee.)
Anyway, what else can I write about if Dennis isn’t wrecking stuff? Maybe I can write about my cats throwing up or something … not that a cat throwing up is particularly noteworthy. A cat not throwing up, now that would be something to write about.
Maybe I can find out where my wife keeps the passion flower and secretly replace it with Red Bull … then there would be lots of wrecked stuff to write about, I bet! The house … the yard … the cats … our marriage …
So on Sunday, we took Dennis, Tucker, and Trixie to Fiesta Island, a large off-lead park in San Diego, to meet some other people from the local vizsla rescue group, including his sister, who was also rescued from the canyon in Lake Elsinore. (His brothers were not in attendance.) We went into the park, met his sister and the others, and headed for the beach. We thought Dennis wanted to play with his sister, so we let him off-lead, and he immediately took off running — past his sister, past everyone else, down to the beach, through the gap between the fence and the water, and back up to the road. Well obviously that isn’t what we were expecting.
hello nice reederz its dennis daddy left hisself loged in agin so i am heer to tel yoo i did not tare up the chaze lounj i was jus minding my own bizness when sudnly the chaze lounj came to life an starded chasing me an tucker an trixie around the hous an tryin to skwash us well it turns out the kitties had turnd the chaze into a rowbot chare to skwash us dogz but then it got overloded and bloo up skattering fluff evrywher it had just enuf enerjy to go bak to the living room wher mama fownd it anywun hoo sez it was me hoo tore it up is a dirty liar ok see yoo cant trust kitties just ask these guys.
So it seems that we didn’t pay Dennis his “protection money” (AKA “pig ears”) when we left for work yesterday, and my wife thinks that’s why he turned the living room into a chaise lounge abattoir. I don’t know if that’s the case, or if he’s just built up a tolerance for passion flower, or if Tucker did it knowing we would blame it on Dennis. (Trixie already got a “why didn’t you stop him?” so evidently it’s partially HER fault.)
Little does my wife know, I did it, so we could get a new, smaller couch. Heh heh heh heh heh.
Oh, crap, I just confessed. Well, fortunately nobody ever reads this blog, so the secret is safe.
No, that was a leather chaise lounge, otherwise known as “the most expensive piece of furniture in the house”. The big white blob is the pillow that once formed the backrest of the lounge. However it was also way too big for the room, so we’re not as upset as you might think. We did buy a new plastic airplane-style crate for Dennis the Menace, so there’s an excellent chance I’ll be posting pictures of the shattered remains of a plastic crate before too long. It is too late for the chaise, but it died so that other furniture might live.
My wife is planning to make a new backrest for the chaise, perhaps out of faux-suede pillows. Then we’ll sell it and buy ourselves a nice little couch from IKEA.
hello nice reederz my nam is dennis i am a vizsla dog i like to tare things up but mama has ben givin me pashun flour drops an they mak me sooooooo relaksed that i don’t feel like taring things ennymor i jus want too li kwitely on my bed an wate for mama to come home an …..
….. sorri i had to pee anyway if u reed this pleez tell mama not to giv me pashun flour ennymor becuz ……..
….. sorri i had to lik myself anyway wer wuz i oh yeah i dont want pashun flour i want to tare stuf up so pleez tell my mama dat oh look a kitty!!!!!!!!!!!
….. ok im back an now i cant remembur whut i wuz tawkin bout so i think ill just lik myself sum mor ok bye
So as anyone with a vizsla knows, vizslas sleep in bed with you. Period. If you try to keep them out, they will make sure you know how unhappy they are by whining, scratching, yelping, and generally carrying on. All. Night. Long. Dennis, who was probably kept chained up outdoors before being dumped in the canyon, was initially unaware of this rule, but we think his brother Tucker must’ve shown him the Vizsla Guide to Manipulating Humans, because he’s in the bed now.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t quite know how to stay in bed.
So yesterday when we went to visit our Swedish friends, who are moving back to Sweden (*SNIFF*), my wife gave Dennis a few drops of “passionflower”, which is supposed to calm him. I would expect something called “passionflower” to have the opposite effect on an unneutered male dog (he’ll be getting fixed next month), but when we got home after being gone most of the day, he hadn’t destroyed anything. I was worried that I wouldn’t have anything else to write about. Fortunately, she forgot to give him his passionflower today when we went grocery shopping, and here’s what we found on the floor that shouldn’t have been there:
Things are once again accumulating in his “stash”. A picture of the “stash” will be coming soon, I swear.
Authorities today confirmed the discovery of a disemboweled Canada goose toy underneath the bed. The goose’s rear end had been torn off and its honk bladder and hose removed. When found, the goose was in the possession of Tucker the vizsla, who was desperately trying to make it honk like it used to. A source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that while Tucker was carrying the mutilated goose, he is believed to have found it in that condition and is not a suspect.
A “vizsla of interest” has been identified in the crime, but so far no charges have been filed. It is believed that this vizsla, who goes by the name “Dennis”, may also be involved in the mutilation deaths of several other toys. Individuals with any information about these killings is encouraged to contact the toy police. Authorities have released this picture of “Dennis”:
Do not attempt to apprehend “Dennis” yourself, as he is considered armed and extremely cuddly.
As for the disemboweled goose, it is going to be stuffed with pretend onions, garlic, and potatoes, baked in a pretend oven, and served as pretend Christmas dinner.