Hello good readers. This is Tucker the Much Better Vizsla Than Dennis. Normally today would feature his ridiculous Sunday Awards and Meme Show, but since Dennis is still in court over his scheme to buy awards with toaster ovens, I have decided to instead investigate the true meaning of Halloween, which I am afraid has been lost in all the spooky commercialism of costumes and ghosts and vampires and whatnot. By doing this, I hope to return Halloween to its real purpose: A great big birthday party for me.
So Halloween came and went, and we didn’t get as many trick-or-treaters (hereafter known as TOTs) as I was expecting, given the numbers of kids that seem to be running around the neighborhood on any given day. There is a possibility that our dogs–who bark like lunatics every time someone comes to the door, let alone a group of six or seven someones dressed like axe-wielding maniacs, fairy princesses, and various forms of licensed merchandise–kept some of the TOTs away. I definitely heard some screaming and running off down the driveway when the dogs started up. (Dennis the rescue vizsla didn’t bark all that much, but he was watching the other two and taking notes.)
So anyway, here’s the proper way to hand out Halloween candy. First, buy extra bags. Then, hand out the candy in ascending order of how much you like it; this way you’re left with a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups instead of a bag of Honey Bunches O’ Angry Ants or whatever.
Oh, and give extra candy to the TOTs who say “thank you”. Even goblins can learn to be polite.