Secret Agent Marsupial

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Secret Service Agent #1: “Okay, Vermin, here’s the deal. You help us defuse the hostage situation, and we’ll give you the mealworms that the ninja hedgehog terrorists think we’re giving them.”
Opossum: “HISSSS! Now you’re talking! But stop calling me Vermin!”
Secret Service Agent #2: “Would you prefer that we call you by your Secret Service code name?”
Opossum: “Ooh! I have a code name? What is it?”
Secret Service Agent #2: “‘Varmint.'”

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Die Hard With Opossum

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Norman #1: “I disabled the wi-fi Norman.”
Norman #2:”Good work, Norman.”
Ron Burgundy: “This situation has gotten very, very serious.”
Producer Smurf: “No smurfing, really?”
Ron Burgundy: “Yes. I can’t post to Instagram or Twitter or live-stream to Facebook.”
Mouse: “Say, who’s the new ninja hedgehog?”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “That’s Norman. He has a cannon on his head.”
Mouse: “Really? Are you sure he didn’t just get his face stuck in a toilet paper roll?”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “Silence!”
Opossum (thinking from inside air shaft): “HISSS! Come to the coast, there’ll be a debate, we’ll have a few laughs …”

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Clown Hall Debate

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Russian Hacker: “Lord Putin, per your instructions, we have modified the instant poll software for the American Presidential debate.”
Vladimir Putin: “Excellent. Now leave me alone with my Precious for a bit. I just fished it out of the lava pool into which some fool dropped it.”

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Damage Control

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Newspaper Clipping: “Furry Party Campaign In Disarray As Infighting Continues
By A. NEWSHOUND

The longshot fifth-party cam- paign of Dennis the Vizsla’s Furry Party was thrown into turmoil this week as Dennis’s long-time campaign manager Producer Smurf clashed with new adviser Vizzini the Sicilian and Vizzini’s cat. Meanwhile, Furry vice-presidential candidate Vermin, going off-message, claims that she and the candidate are being stalked by evil clowns.”

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Power Points

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Gargamel: “As you are aware, Dennis, the path to electoral success is narrow, and victory is nearly as unlikely as winning a land war in Asia.”
Dennis: “Oh for sure! Um, what does ‘electoral’ mean, exactly?”
Gargamel: “The mouse told me you might ask that. I’ve prepared this presentation to help explain the process to you.”
Producer Smurf: “You don’t smurf me with that ‘land war in Asia’ stuff, Gargamel! You’re just quoting Vizzini!”
Producer Smurf (sotto voce to Opossum): “You’ll protect me when his cat smurfs up, right, vice-president vermin?”
Opossum: “HISSS! Nasty smurf! Stop calling me ‘vermin’!  And get off my head!”

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Gargamel: “As you can see, the election begins with a hopeful idyll, in a mushroom village out in the woods. We call this the ‘New Hampshire Primary’.”
Producer Smurf: “Ahhhh! There’s the cat! Stoner dog! Bark at Azrael and smurf him away!”
Spicoli: “Dude. Wag more, bark less. Besides, I don’t see any cat.”
Opossum (thinking):  “HISSS! I swear this table is haunted. It always shows that man’s reflection.”

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Gargamel: “Next it moves on to a flat prairie with a backdrop of distant mountains. Yet the energy meeter remains high. We call this the ‘Iowa Caucus’.”
Producer Smurf: “Ahhhhhh! Now Azrael is smurfing under the table! Dog! Smurf something! Earn your campaign pay!”
Spicoli: “Dude, what is this campaign pay of which you speak? And I still don’t see a cat.”
Pennywise’s Reflection: “We all meet down here. That’s all we do. Meetings. Meetings. Mettings. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings.”

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Opossum: “HISSS! Nasty evil clown reflection! I don’t want to go to your meetings!”
Producer Smurf: “I’m telling you, Azrael is under the table and is smurfing over here to smurf me!”
Spicoli: “Dude, I’m not sure who sounds more paranoid, you or the opossum.”
Mouse: “The opossum.”
Gargamel: “But as the season progresses things start to become grim. The landscape darkens in the distance. Enemies appear.”

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Gargamel: “Soon it seems as if you are trapped in an interminable election dungeon, beset from all sides by smears and mud-slinging, wondering if it will ever end.”
Pennywise’s Reflection: “… and we meet and meet and meet and …”
Opossum: “Aaaaaiiiiieeee!”
Producer Smurf: “AHHHHH! You must see the cat now! He’s smurfing up your face!”
Spicoli: <snoring>

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Producer Smurf: “AHHH! Cat! Cat! Smurf away! Caaaattt!”
Opossum: “AHHH! Clown! Clown! Run away! Cloowwwnn!”
Gargamel: “Until finally you get to the end and, mmmm! Come to Gargamel, you delicious smurf! Um, I mean, there’s a giant skull and everyone dies. The end.”

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Mr. Nibbles: “Mr. Vizzini, it seems to me that your ‘presentation’ was just a play-through of a smurf video game.”
Gargamel: “Nonsense! Next, I will demonstrate how Dennis will have to deal with Congress after he has been elected …”
Mouse: “That went even better than I hoped it would.”
Spicoli: “Dude, where did you find these guys?”
Mouse: “Patches and his cat live in Humboldt County. They think it’s still 1983 so they work cheap.”
Spicoli: “And the evil clown?”
Mouse: “What evil clown?”