Bugs Bunny: “I’m pretty impressed that you managed to wriggle out of that tiny tunnel opening, Doc. How’d you do it?”
Jack Burton: “Nothing to it. I just greased it up with pomade and slipped right out.”
Vermin: “HISSS! I seem to be stuck in the tunnel entrance.”
Jack Burton: “Of course, once the pomade sets up, it’s like cement.”
Lo Pan: “Now, while their backs are turned, I will destroy them!”
Continue reading “Lo Pan And Shut Case” →
Bugs Bunny: “So you say you got set up by this Lo Pan, eh? I don’t know that guy. I usually have to put up with jokers like Elmer Fudd or Yosemite Sam. Is this Lo Pan like either of those maroons?”
Dennis: “Yep, he’s exactly like them. Except taller. And with magical powers. And a criminal empire. And, uh, legitimately dangerous.”
Producer Smurf: “I think what Dennis is smurfing to smurf is that Lo Pan smurfs nothing like those smurfs.”
Bugs Bunny: “Yeah, no kidding, Doc! He sounds more like yours truly!”
Spicoli: “The worst part of this whole thing was watching Lo Pan eat all our pork chops after we got arrested.”
Jack Burton: “You mean my pork chops.”
Spicoli: “Dude. Not the time to nitpick.”
Continue reading “Lo Pan Range” →
Mr. Nibbles: “Thanks for asking me to handle these negotiations. Let’s start by setting expectations. Lo Pan, what would you like to get out of these discussions?”
Lo Pan: “I would like to get these cats off my head.”
Mr. Nibbles: “Well, that’s something we can―”
Lo Pan: “Also to marry a girl with green eyes.”
Mr. Nibbles: “I don’t think we can provide match making services―”
Lo Pan: “And to have my revenge on Jack Burton and Dennis the Vizsla! Hee hee hee!”
Mr. Nibbles: “I’m pretty sure Dennis isn’t going to agree to that last one. Also, who’s Jack Burton?”
Jack Burton: “Jack Burton. Me.”
Dennis: “Hey, Jack. Long time no see.”
Jack Burton: “‘Sup, Dennis.”
Continue reading “Lo Panning Negotiations” →
Having fought our way free of the Three Storms, Jack Burton and I now face Lo Pan himself. Can we prevail against this 2,000 year old evil sorcerer and his intimidating hat? If not, it won’t be because we didn’t try!
Continue reading “Still More Trouble In Little China” →
While Lo Pan’s minions pillage Little China, I am losing valuable time trying to restore Jack Burton’s confidence with another “magic” potion. He has already rejected the magical powers of Yoohoo, but fortunately, I have a few more options under my hat. Surely one of them will do the trick … but unfortunately, when in nerd form, Jack is very fussy.
Continue reading “Everybody Wing Kong Tonight” →
Having received a magic potion from the ancient magician Egg Shen, we are preparing to seek out Lo Pan and end his reign of terror. In addition to the potion, Egg Shen also offers to supply us with a frightening array of weaponry. Surely when confronted with such an arsenal, Lo Pan will surrender without a fight!
Continue reading “Even Bigger Trouble In Little China” →
Having performed beyond expectations in my investigation of that creepy kid who claimed to see dead people, I have impressed Dr. Crowe enough to get another assignment. This one is more in my area of expertise, an anthropological study of clan rivalries in a community of largely Asian immigrants; or, as Dr. Crowe indelicately puts it, big trouble in Little China.
Continue reading “Big Trouble For Little Vizsla” →