May The Forks Be With You

After arriving at Earth just in time to prevent Darth Tater from mashing it, and then blasting my way through his army of drones, I find myself confronting Darth Tater himself in a one-on-one battle in space. I have flyball-honed reflexes and amazing paw-eye coordination on my side; but Darth Tater has something even more powerful. He has my hat.

Continue reading “May The Forks Be With You”

Revenge of the Starch

Having defeated the ace bowler Jesus Quintana in single combat, I earned the right to fly one of the Rylan Star League’s supposedly high-tech StarFighters. Unfortunately, it appears that while the StarFighter may have been high-tech 25 years ago, it is sadly outdated compared to the SpudFighters that Darth Tater is able to launch from the Death Spud; but at the moment it is the only ship I have. Let the battle begin!

Continue reading “Revenge of the Starch”

The Big Dogowski

Having been recruited by the mysterious Rylan Star League, I had expected to receive a starfighter and training in how to fly it, so that I can destroy my nemesis Darth Tater; but it turns out that the Rylan Star League, far from being an elite corps of pilots, is in fact a bowling organization. They have starfighters, to be sure, but in order to earn one, I have to defeat their top ace, Jesus Quintana, known as “The Jesus”, in single combat. The weapon of choice: A bowling ball. Fortunately, when it comes to games involving balls, no one can beat The Dennis.

Continue reading “The Big Dogowski”

The Last Dogfighter

Having acquired bulk quantities of Diet Coke and Mentos, I am now ready to return to outer space aboard my fishing trawler the Orca for a final showdown with my arch-nemesis Darth Tater and his space station the Death Spud Star. Unfortunately, I did not count on the vastness of the Costco parking lot. I have now spent hours trying to find my vessel and am no closer than I was when I started. Perhaps next time I should put a flashing light on top of the mast. Little do I know, though, that my movements throughout the lot are being tracked by a mysterious vehicle and an even more mysterious observer …

Continue reading “The Last Dogfighter”