Secret Agent Marsupial

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Secret Service Agent #1: “Okay, Vermin, here’s the deal. You help us defuse the hostage situation, and we’ll give you the mealworms that the ninja hedgehog terrorists think we’re giving them.”
Opossum: “HISSSS! Now you’re talking! But stop calling me Vermin!”
Secret Service Agent #2: “Would you prefer that we call you by your Secret Service code name?”
Opossum: “Ooh! I have a code name? What is it?”
Secret Service Agent #2: “‘Varmint.'”

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Die Hard With Opossum

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Norman #1: “I disabled the wi-fi Norman.”
Norman #2:”Good work, Norman.”
Ron Burgundy: “This situation has gotten very, very serious.”
Producer Smurf: “No smurfing, really?”
Ron Burgundy: “Yes. I can’t post to Instagram or Twitter or live-stream to Facebook.”
Mouse: “Say, who’s the new ninja hedgehog?”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “That’s Norman. He has a cannon on his head.”
Mouse: “Really? Are you sure he didn’t just get his face stuck in a toilet paper roll?”
Ninja Hedgehog Commander: “Silence!”
Opossum (thinking from inside air shaft): “HISSS! Come to the coast, there’ll be a debate, we’ll have a few laughs …”

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The World Stage

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Russian Hacker: “Lord Putin, as you commanded, we have conducted a massive DDoS strike against the American internet, yet news of the dog’s faux paw continues to spread.”
Vladimir Putin: “I want that dog in the White House. Stage an attack to generate sympathy for him.”
Russian Hacker: “As you command, Lord Putin. By the way, did you see what we did there? ‘Faux paw’? Are we not so very clever?”
Vladimir Putin: “Yes. You are hilarious. Now if you will excuse me, I am about to crack some eggs so that my short order cook can make me an omelet.”

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Clown Hall Debate

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Russian Hacker: “Lord Putin, per your instructions, we have modified the instant poll software for the American Presidential debate.”
Vladimir Putin: “Excellent. Now leave me alone with my Precious for a bit. I just fished it out of the lava pool into which some fool dropped it.”

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The Great Debate Begins

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Opossum: “HISSS! Nasty Presidential Debate Committee can’t even fulfill a simple request for a bowl of mealworms in the green room! I kill them. I kill them all!”
Dennis: “Why do they call it the green room, anyway? It’s not green. It’s more of a taupe.”
Producer Smurf: “Dennis! Let’s get a smurf on! It’s time for the debate!”
Mr. Nibbles: “You’ve got this, Mr. Dennis! Just be your lovable furry self!”
Mouse: “Dennis, it’s not too late to withdraw from the debate and go home and take a nap.”
Spicoli: <noisily drinking from toilet>

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The Great Debate (Prep)

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Producer Smurf: “All right, pretend candidates! I am now going to smurf you a selection of questions chosen from those smurfed by the public to the web site presidentialopenquestions.comIs everybody ready?”
Dennis: “Why does my mic say ‘Fisher-Price’ on it?”
Paula: “I’ll take ‘Potpourri’ for $1000, Alex.”
Simon: “Paula, that is not Alex Trebek, and this is not ‘Jeopardy’.”
Paula: “Are you sure this isn’t ‘Jeopardy’? Have you seen who’s running for President?”
Simon: “Fair enough. But for the love of all that’s holy, please, start at the top of the category and work your way down.”

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Poll Position

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Mouse: “Are you all right, Dennis? You look a little flushed.”
Dennis: “I’m fine. It’s just the Kung Pao.”
Mouse: “I’m sure your mama will be thrilled to have all her clothes smelling like Chinese takeout.”
Dennis: “Ha ha ha! So am I!”

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